A Countdown to Christmas Through the Eyes of Mary

Welcome to December 2016!! This year I'm changing things up a bit at our house and wrote these daily devotionals for our family to walk through each day in December. I figured if I was gonna write them, I might as well share them. If you missed the blog post about the heart behind this particular version of devotions, "Through the eyes of Mary," you can check it out here. You can do the devotions straight from the blog, or click here to request a printable version formatted to a daily card. (It's not pretty, but you can glue them onto something pretty.) 

Last, if you missed the start of these on December 1st (since I didn't even get it posted until the 2nd) you can still join in. They are quick and easy to do, just pick up or catch up and have some fun with your family preparing your hearts for Christmas this year with the lessons we can learn from Mary's view of Christmas!

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24 Days til Christmas (December 1st)

     A Promise is Made - Read Psalm 132:11-12

•  What promise did God make to David here? 
•  What did they call this king that they hoped would come?
•  What is true about God's promises?
•  What are some promises He's made to you?

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23 Days til Christmas (December 2nd)

     God Has a Plan - Read Luke 3:23-31

• How long before it happened, did God put this plan in place? (take a glance at Luke 3:32-38 as you discuss)
• Did you know there was a long period of waiting for the Messiah where they never heard anything from the Lord? 
• Have you ever waited a really long time for something? How hard was it to wait?

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22 Days til Christmas (December 3rd)

     God Picked Mary - Read Luke 1:26-33

• Of all the people in the family from David to Mary and Joseph, why did God select Mary?
• What do you think Mary might have done to find favor with God? 
• What can we do to find favor with God? (Discuss how it is about our heart and love for Him, not the actions that we do.)

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21 Days til Christmas (December 4th)

     How Could This Be? - Read Luke 1:34-37

• Mary didn't understand how this was even going to happen, it seemed impossible to her. Did God answer her question? (Don't be scared of the How did she get pregnant questions. You can simply focus on the fact that God explained He was going to make it happen, and the ending where it says nothing is impossible with God.)
• How does God answer us when we don't understand what's happening? (Any examples from your own life to share?)

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20 Days til Christmas (December 5th)

     Mary's Response of Obedience - Read Luke 1:38

• What do you think Mary might have been thinking about all of this? 
• What did she choose to do? 
• What are some times that you've not really wanted to obey something you were told, but chose to anyway?

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19 Days til Christmas (December 6th)

     A Confirmation - Read Luke 1:39-45

• What did God do for Mary in this part of the story? (Talk about the importance of community, especially community that understands and believes God too. God gave Mary a confirmation, through another person, that He really was going to do what He said he was going to do at a time when she could have been feeling lots of different emotions.)
• God is a loving a gracious God to do this for us. What are some ways you've seen God do that in your own life?

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18 Days til Christmas (December 7th)

     A Song of Praise - Read Luke 1:46-55

• What was Mary's reaction to Elizabeth's confirmation? 
• The Bible says this was Mary's "Song of Praise", what does her song tell you about what Mary believes? (Talk about some of the details she praises God for, and how they are an indication of what she believes about God. Maybe make up a song of praise about things your family believes about God.)

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17 Days til Christmas (December 8th)

     Leaving Home - Read Luke 2:1-5

• Mary is "obviously pregnant", which means she has a big belly and is probably very uncomfortable. It was likely a journey that could take 4-10 days of walking/riding on a donkey depending on the weather and what route they took. What do you think Mary was feeling? (What do you think got her through those feelings?)
• How do you feel about leaving your home at Christmas? (What can we do to get through those feelings?) - Note: This one is for us and our situation, feel free to talk about what it would feel like if you are not currently leaving your home. :)

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16 Days til Christmas (December 9th)

     What do you mean there are no rooms? - Read Luke 2:6-7

• Mary knew this baby was the long awaited Messiah we talked about at the beginning of December, and she would have known the prophecies about the Messiah being born in Bethlehem. She could have anticipated a trip, but what expectations do you think she might have had for giving birth to Jesus, the savior and king, in Bethlehem? 
• What are some of your expectations about what God is doing in our lives right now? (Talk about how His plan may be different than our expectation and how we can respond to that)

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15 Days til Christmas (December 10th)

     The Savior is Born - Read Luke 2:8-14

• This is what we celebrate at Christmas! The Messiah was born. The celebration started that very same night when the Angels appeared to the shepherds exclaiming God had fulfilled his promise to send a Messiah, A Savior! What things does your family do to celebrate Christmas each year? (Talk about some of your favorite Christmas activities. If they relate to Jesus's birth, talk through that and explain why you do those things as a family.)

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14 Days til Christmas (December 11th)

     Taking it to heart - Read Luke 2:15-20

• Verse 18 says "All who heard the shepherds' story were astonished". Why were they astonished? (Everything happened just as the angels told them it would.)
• Verse 19 says "but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often." Why do you think Mary's response was different? (Talk about how she already knew Jesus was the Messiah and how she must have remembered it often as a reminder that God did what He said he was going to do.)
• What are some times we have seen God do what He said he was going to do? And how have we used those as reminders during more difficult times?

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13 Days til Christmas (December 12th)

     Right where you need to be - Read Luke 2:25-32

• Who was Simeon and why was he at the Temple the same day as Mary and Joseph? (Talk about listening to God and doing what He says. It's when we are obedient, even in the little things that God puts us right where we need to be.)

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12 Days til Christmas (December 13th)

     Hard News to Hear - Read Luke 2:33-35

• What did Simeon mean when he said "A sword will pierce your very soul"? (Talk about what is to happen to Jesus on the cross, and how that might make Mary feel. You can also talk about the expectations that many had for the Messiah to be a king who lead the people physically, instead of dying on the cross)
• Why do you think Simeon would say that to Mary? (You can talk about how Jesus, as an adult tried to tell his disciples about it too, to prepare them for the hurt they were going to experience. God always prepares our hearts when he knows there are hard times coming for us. Share any stories you may have of how God has done that in your life.)

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11 Days til Christmas (December 14th)

     Visitors from the East - Read Matthew 2:1-11

• Why did these men follow the star to find Jesus? 
• What did they bring to him?
• How far would you go to bring gifts to someone? Would you go out of your way to be generous to others? 
• What's something you can do for someone this Christmas that might be unexpected, but would help them celebrate Christmas better?

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10 Days til Christmas (December 15th)

     God's Protection - Read Matthew 2:12-14

• What did God do to protect Jesus from Herod?
• What part did Mary and Joseph play in this plan? (Talk about how God works to protect us, how obedience is an important part of that plan...what if Mary and Joseph had not been obedient. Share with your children how you listen to God and do what He says so they can be safe and experience the Life that God has for them.)

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9 Days til Christmas (December 16th)

     Even the Best of Moms - Read Luke 2:41-48

• Mary was picked to be the mother of Jesus and even she wasn't perfect. We do the best job we can do to parent you, but we are not perfect either. We have made mistakes and will make more. What can we each do when mom and dad make a mistake? (Talk through what some examples may be of a parent making a mistake, maybe it's losing our temper. Walk through taking responsibility and asking for forgiveness, and how we all want to act that way towards each other, but we as parents want to set the example in that. This might be a good opportunity to ask for forgiveness if there are any current mistakes that have not been addressed. Keep it positive, but use this time to talk through how to love each other well, even through mistakes.)

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8 Days til Christmas (December 17th)

     A Mother's Heart - Read Luke 2:51-52

• This is the most information we are given about Mary as a mother from the time Jesus was a boy to the time he was a grown man. Why do you think it was important for her to "store all these things in her heart"?
• Why do you think we take so many pictures of you? (We want to remember every moment we can, just like Jesus grew up, you also grow up, and moms and dads just want to remember as many of the precious moments of your life as possible. I assure you if Mary had a camera in her pocket everywhere she went, she would have taken lots of pictures too!)

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7 Days til Christmas (December 18th)

     Every Parent's Prayer - Read Luke 2:39-40

• Do you know this is what we want for you? (Talk to your child about your hopes for their future, no matter what they do when they grow up, we hope for these things that are described of Jesus' growing up will also be true for them. I pray each of my kids grow up healthy and strong and that God fills them with wisdom and that His favor is on them.)

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6 Days til Christmas (December 19th)

     Jesus' First Miracle - Read John 2:1-11

• What made Jesus decide to do this miracle? (He was honoring his mother.)
• Ephesians 6:1-3 tells us to honor our Father and Mother. What does it look like for you to honor your father and mother? 

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5 Days til Christmas (December 20th)

     A Proud Mom - Read John 21:25

• Mary must have been very proud of all the things that Jesus did. How many miracles can you think of that Jesus performed? (If time allows, take the time to look up and read in the Bible each miracle recited...feel free to use google if you don't know the scripture reference)

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4 Days til Christmas (December 21st)

     A Different Plan for the King -Read John 19:14-24

• What did Mary and the disciples expect Jesus' Kingdom to look like? 
• What do you think they felt when Jesus was sentenced to die on the cross?

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3 Days til Christmas (December 22nd)

     Concerned For Mom - Read John 19:25-27

• Mary must have been devastated to watch Jesus be put on the cross. Do you remember what Simeon said to her when Jesus was a baby? (Luke 2:35 - "A sword will pierce your very soul" Talk through how this is what God was preparing her for because He knew all along this is what would happen.)
• How loving was Jesus to make sure his mother was taken care of even while he was dying? (God was loving in trying to prepare her heart many years before and Jesus was loving to make sure she was taken care of...this is how God and Jesus still treat us today.) 

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2 Days til Christmas (December 23rd)

     He's Alive!!! - Read Luke 24:1-9

• Does Jesus' story end with him in the tomb?
• Why does it make Christmas even more special to read all the way through to this part of his story, and not just his birth? 

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1 Day til Christmas (December 24th)

     There's Always Hope - Read Hebrews 6:18-19a

• Do you think Mary had hope when she saw Jesus raised from the dead?
• We can have hope too! Because God raised Jesus from the dead, we know that God keeps his promises and we can go to him for help when we are in trouble. 

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Merry Christmas (December 25th)

     The Greatest Gift of All - Read John 3:16

• Why do we give gifts at Christmas? (To celebrate Jesus' Birthday) 
• Did you know that his birth was actually the greatest gift of all time? 
• Do you know that the best gift you can give to God at Christmas is you? (If you choose, you can talk through the gospel with your child, and share what it means to have a relationship with Jesus that results in eternal life. There are lots of great tools online for sharing the gospel with kids, but here is one I liked. http://centrikid.com/2013/02/04/gospel-with-kids-poster/ Or if your children already have a relationship with the Lord, you can talk about what it looks like to continually give yourself to God, following him daily).

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Thanks so much for joining our family on this Countdown To Christmas Through the Eyes of Mary! We hope this brings many great Jesus focused conversations as you prepare your family to celebrate together. We wish you a Very Merry Christmas!!! 

Chapter 3 - One Step at a Time

"Put your house on the market" and "sell your house" are two different things.

Earlier this summer when the Lord told us to "put your house on the market" I knew it would be hard, but I could still be obedient and hold out hope that I could stay in my house. I could pray and ask Him to do a miracle and provide a way for us to still live here, all the while, being obedient to do what those specific words said. 

I love this house. I love this neighborhood. I love the friends my kids have made. And although sometimes it can be annoying how often our doorbell rings, each time it's kids asking for Cooper and Maddox to come out and play. We have some of our dearest friends just down the street in our neighborhood. Did I mention we live, quite literally, across the street from the pool? We love this place!

This house has been such a blessing! I have loved every day we've gotten to live here. I have sat in the chair in the office that became my quiet time chair watching out the front window as families walk their dogs and kids ride by on bikes and thanked Him almost daily for 3 years straight. So, when He asked me to quit my job and the idea of not being able to stay in this house became a real idea, it also became a real struggle. I know that this house was a gift from the Lord, but from the moment He gave it to us He asked that I never put this house above what He asks me to do. 

Fast forward 3 years and here we are, with the house on the market. I have said the words "I want what you want more than I want what I want," but I was really hoping I wouldn't have to actually follow through. Thursday night when negotiations on an offer were getting close enough that we really didn't have any reason to say no, I was heartbroken. I wasn't ready. To this point I could just hold out and watch as we were obedient to what He had said, but could stay comfortably in our home we love waiting to see what miracle He was going to do. This emotional tail-spin lead to us both seeking the Lord to really do what He wanted, and, fortunately, at that time it was to say no. (You can see the ins and outs of getting to that decision in my last post.) I was relieved when we came to that decision together and immediately started realizing just how much better it would be to stay in the house until next Spring. It would be financially very difficult, but I knew that if it was what God wanted He would provide. I mean, this is near school for Cooper, I could bring the baby home to this house (having room for all the people who will come to town), give us time to get settled and then put the house back on the market in the spring, when it would sell better anyway. I began asking God if we could do that, but still wholeheartedly telling Him I want this, but I want what you want more than I want this. 

True to what he taught us in Crossing the River, we are to ask Him for direction and it is in His presence that we get the answers for each step. I spent the weekend asking God if we could just take it off the market until spring. (I, of course, told Him all the reasons this was the best idea.) Sitting in church Sunday Kaleb preached an incredible message and I knew immediately what God's answer was to this question when Kaleb read Matthew 21:25, "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it." I knew in that moment God changed his wording from "put it on the market" to, "sell your house." As much as I wanted to believe my plan had to be better, I knew He was asking me to give up my life (my plan) for His, to give over my desires in exchange for his plan, regardless of what that plan looks like. (Not to mention I haven't gotten to see that plan to know if I will like it better. Haha!-Once a control freak, always a control freak.)

I knew that meant we were gonna have an offer soon and this time we couldn't say no and still be obedient. He said "sell." 

That was the same Sunday we had 3 more showings in one day, but the crazy thing is the offer we are getting ready to sign today is actually from the guy we said no to last week. Not much has changed, except I asked and the Lord gave clear direction. So, today, with no idea what's next and how it will all turn out, I trust Him, His plan, His timing, His provisions, and we are officially selling the house. 

We have absolutely no idea where we will be for Christmas, where we will bring this baby girl home to, but we are confident He will give us those steps as well. May I always want what He wants more than what I want and actually be willing to follow through. I can't wait to see what He has in store...one step at a time! 

Chapter 2: Crossing the River

So since the last blog post, we have had more showings, another offer, and said no to selling the house we said we wanted to sell. 

Let me explain...

I've been reading in Joshua this week. One of the things God used to tell us to put our house on the market several months ago was the story of Joshua leading the Israelites across the Jordan River into the Promised Land. So I thought a refresher through Joshua would be beneficial right now. See we've been praying for God to do what only He can do through our current situation. We know there is a gap between where we are and where we feel like the Lord wants us to be, and we know there is no way under our control or circumstances to get there on our own. I, of course, have plenty of ideas of how the Lord could move to make it happen. Since I don't have a clue what He will actually do, I was reminded that day that I need to be asking the Lord at each step if its the right one, and be willing to give God the glory for things that seem like small things as well as things that are overwhelmingly miraculous. 

That same day we got another offer on the house. It started out better than the first offer we got, but just wasn't what we needed to make our financial situation work. We countered with something closer to an offer we would consider, fully expecting to work with the buyer if they got close (I mean, I'm 12 weeks from having a baby and would love to be settled sooner than later!).Well, the potential buyer got close and offered us what, according to the market, could potentially be (outside of the Lord's direct involvement) the best offer we get. But I had resolved to ask the Lord for direction and not just make a decision based on the numbers. P.T. and I talked through all aspects of the decision until we (mostly me) were literally talking in circles. We came to the conclusion that we just didn't feel right about it. Although the Lord could do anything, even with us accepting the offer, it just didn't look like Him doing what only He could do. We had to say no not just once, but twice to this poor guy who just wanted to buy our house we said we wanted to sell. We had nothing to offer our Realtor besides we just feel like the Lord is saying this is not it. 

We went to bed with a knot in our stomach questioning if we'd made the right call, and begging the Lord to give us a fresh word in the morning. Which is ironic since I actually read the same scripture again. Back to Joshua 3, crossing the Jordan...but this time I did get a fresh word. I was asking the Lord to guide our steps. I was begging the Lord to help us to know when to move (quite literally) and when to stay. From the very beginning of this journey the Lord has told me (while reading 2 Chronicles 20) that this is not my battle, I need only to be still, that it's when we believe the Lord, and stand firm in that, then we will be successful. I also noticed in 2 Chronicles, as I've written about before, "standing still" doesn't usually mean the same thing as "do nothing." We still have daily decisions to make, steps to take, and I just want to be sure we are making the right ones. 

So as I reread the story of the crossing of the Jordan I saw it...the thing that allowed for each step to be made across the river. It was the presence of the Lord. Joshua 3:3 describes Joshua giving instructions to the people. He tells them "when you see the Levitical priests carrying the Ark of the Covenant of the Lord your God, move out from your position and follow them." See, the Ark was God's presence. Their instruction was to stay in the presence of the Lord. When they move the Ark, you move. God so gently reminded me, that my direction comes when I'm in his presence. Then he showed me the power of his presence. As long as the Ark was in the water (which was overflowing the river banks due to it being the harvest season) the river stopped flowing. And as we see in Joshua 4:18 "As soon as the priests carrying the Ark of the Lord's Covenant came up out of the riverbed and their feet were on high ground, the water of the Jordan returned and overflowed its banks as before." 

What happens next is equally amazing. Chapter four goes on to describe the Lord's next command and the Israelite's obedience to Him and how they take that same Ark and march it around the walls of Jericho in order to see the walls just fall down miraculously. 
Their steps toward the flooded Jordan didn't have to make sense. Their "battle" against Jericho by running laps defied logic or conventional strategy. The success of their efforts had nothing to do with anything they did, but simply that they stayed near to the presence of the Lord and followed exactly to His direction. 

Through this journey we are working to do just that. And although the steps don't always seem to make sense, we will continue to do what He tells us to do and give him the glory every chance we get. Because also in Joshua 3, the Israelites gave God the glory for leading them into the promised land, and set up a memorial to be able to tell anyone who asked for years to come about what the Lord had done. I began to pray that we give God the glory through all of this journey no matter how He chooses to answer our prayers. And this blog is our memorial to tell anyone who will read it.
I don't know what tomorrow holds, but today...after turning down a good offer on Friday we had not one showing, but 3! 

Chapter 1: 4 Weeks, 4 Showings, and 1 Lousy Offer

It's P.T. hijacking Bonnie's blog again with an update on where we are in our story...

So a month ago I posted the preface to our current story: pages that amount to months of a journey that has led us to take a step of faith and put our house on the market having no clue what's next aside from a baby due date (Groundhog Day, 2017!) and a depleted savings account. Now, a month later, chapter one's title reads more like the punch line of a joke than what we'd love for our current reality to be--partly because the one offer we've gotten was laughable (25 grand below asking price). We weren't laughing (with the potential buyers anyway).  

Meanwhile, we've heard amazing stories of people whose house sold within 5 hours of its listing while the sellers were literally asleep. 5 hours! That's awesome! That's incredible! My nose would grow like a wooden boy's if I told you those kind of stories haven't made me jealous. Made me question. Made me wonder. Where's our 5 hour story?

Because how Hollywood could it have been to post a blog about stepping out on big faith...about how God's got this and God's got us, and then immediately see God do something miraculously, "immeasurably more" than our biggest dreams? A check shows up in our mailbox the next day with the inheritance money of a long-lost relative I didn't know we had. Or discovering the next day there are deposits of natural gas under our house, and we're entitled to a large sum of mineral rights money. Heck, I'd even take the Monopoly dude showing up with a Community Chest card that reads "Bank error in your favor, collect $200!"

Hearing stories like the 5 hour home sale while we clean the house every day for a month on the hopes of a showing leaves me with lots of questions. Questions of: 

What? What are we supposed to do after we run out of savings next month? After Bonnie has the baby in February? Is Bonnie supposed to get a full-time job? Are we supposed to go into debt?

Where? Where are we supposed to move if the house does sell soon? Where are all the potential buyers? Where are you in this situation, God?

When? When will our situation change? When will someone buy our house? We know the answer to one when...when our savings will run out, but all our other whens are left unanswered. 

Why? I've had lots of these questions (don't we all when we get squeezed?). Why did we feel led to buy this house 3 years ago if we're just supposed to turn around and sell it for little or no profit? Why don't you do something about this, God?

Reality is, as much as I'd like to, I don't have a lot of control over my what, where, when, and why. I don't get to choose or have answers to most of those questions. I don't get to choose when our house will sell. I don't get to choose when we have to pay the hospital and maternity doctors. I don't have control of many of the factors that affect our current situation. I don't get to choose my what, where, when, and why...but I get to choose my who. And I'm learning that my hope can't be in the somethings I can't control, but in Someone who is.

Part of the benefit of being a teacher is that I get to learn a whole lot. Right now in teaching through Survey of the Bible we've been going through the story of the Old Testament, and YES...there's lots of weird and disturbing things in the Old Testament. Yes it's full of jacked up people doing jacked up things. Yes some of it can be difficult to wade through (I'm looking at you, Leviticus). But it's also full of hope in the seemingly darkest of places. Stories revealing that God is most powerfully present when he seems most apparently absent. 

Like Joseph. An easy target. From favored son, to slave, to prisoner before finally being put into position as 2nd in command of all of Egypt. Joseph endured years of being overlooked before seeing that God had been moving behind the scenes to not just elevate Joseph, but to put him in position to save nations of people from starvation, including the promised descendants of Abraham. 

Or how about the whiny children of Israel in Numbers while they wandered in the wilderness for 40 years? They were clutching to the promises that they were going to one day be able to enter a good land flowing with milk and honey while they chewed on some unidentifiable heavenly saltines every day. Yet as they finally get to enter that good land, it's revealed that God had been working in the background. God wasn't squandering their wandering. He was preparing cities, vineyards, and groves for the Israelites in this promised land through the sweat and labor of others (Joshua 24:13).

Or the great story of suffering to redemption we see in Ruth as enemy Moabite, widowed Ruth moves from foreigner to family; widow to wife in the dark time of the judges. The main complaint (and final verse of Judges) was that the Israelites needed a king. And so in the midst of that dark period, God was moving in the background bringing foreigner Ruth into the family of Israel who would eventually give birth to king David--the answer to what the people were looking for. 

Honestly I'd love to have a 5 hour story to post. To go from the preface page of our story straight to "The End." But I think that would be squandering our wandering. Because I believe that sometimes, God doesn't answer our prayers or give us the thing that we're asking for not because He isn't good enough. Not because He isn't strong enough. Not because we've done anything wrong or are so bad at prayer. But because he's willing to deprive us of something in order to drive us deeper into someone.

There's an undeniable relationship between trust and transformation. My greatest spiritual growth doesn't happen on Sunday when I know the tomb is empty, but on the dark Saturday while I'm still waiting with more questions than answers. Trusting. Hoping. Believing in faith that God can move in power. A 5 hour story leaves little room for trust, which leaves little room for transformation.

And that's what I want. That's the whole goal of being a Jesus-follower after all, isn't it? To look more like Jesus in what we say and do?

So though I hear his silence, and feel his apparent absence, I'm choosing to trust his presence. I'm choosing to believe the most prolific promise in scripture of, "I am with you." That though I haven't seen much movement on the housing front, he's rearranging things in His home in my heart and making more room for me to be filled with His fullness (Eph. 3:19).

Though my preference and my tendency is to put my faith in what's tangible--things I can see and touch, (my what, where, when, and why), those are ultimately the very things I can't control. So I'm still learning to put my faith in what's intangible. Someone I can't see or touch (my who). And trust from what I know to be true of His character that He is in control. That even if my family's circumstances get worse from here--if we go into debt or lose the house or whatever "what ifs" the natural me tends to dread...that God is still working things out in the background to do things I couldn't have even thought to ask for in a 5 hour story. 

It may not be the story I wanted. But it's obviously the story I needed. Though the one offer on our house in Simpsonville was a lousy offer, the offer of transformation through trust I'm expecting to reap quite the return. So in the meantime, I'll try not to squander my wander and echo the words of the psalmist who said, "I will remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

   

Show Me the Money!

So this is P.T. taking over Bonnie's blog today with kind of part blog entry, part journal, part Gethsemane-esque prayer. Yesterday Bonnie shared her side of our story over the past year and her struggle to not jump in and problem solve. Today I share my side of the story. Her problem wasn't about the money...it was mine.

8/3/16 - Preface

This year has been...challenging. 

And that's not the kind of thing that I let on to easily.

But I'm crumbling. In a good way.

Earlier this year I heard a pastor spin the phrase, "my biggest enemy is my inner me." And I definitely believe there's truth to that statement. But then today I was reading Scary Close by Donald Miller (who I think is brilliant) after having also recently read a couple chapters in When People are Big and God is Small--and I've learned that while I definitely have an enemy in my inner me, not many people have access to that part of me. As much as I battle an inner me, a long time ago I created an outer me--a theatrical performer...my candy coated shell of happiness, humor, and having-it-all-togetherness to protect my gooey center. Most of you know my outer me. And while my life is not a total masquerade, I definitely know how to put on a good show. Afterall that gooey center is home to my flaws and fears and failures. Shame and guilt that I use the outer me to cover. 

But there's a crack in my shell. And I'm here to expose what's inside.

Last May Bonnie stepped down from her full-time job at NewSpring. A job she enjoyed surrounded by people she loved. It honestly didn't make sense for her to step down--she's felt called to work in full-time vocational ministry since she was a teenager. It's what she can only describe as a "tie your shoe moment." We love the Bourne movies, and in the trilogy's closer, amnesiac multi-lingual super soldier Jason Bourne is helping guide a civilian reporter away from some bad guys who are trying to kill him. Bourne is communicating with the reporter by phone watching the scenario unfold, and at one point, tells the reporter to bend over and tie his shoe even though his shoe is already tied. It's not that Bourne actually needed the reporter to tie his shoe--he needed the reporter to duck down out of the line of sight of the approaching hit men there to take his life. The reporter is oblivious. He simply trusts that Jason Bourne has a better vantage point and a plan and ultimately follows through with his nonsensical demand. That's where we were with Bonnie quitting her job--tie your shoe. As a result we've been living for 14 months on about half the income that we had been making.

Meanwhile, since January of this year the needle on our savings gauge has been dropping faster than the British pound. Our roof had 3 leaks. A/C goes out. Cars needed repair. Both life insurance policies came up for renewal. HOA dues. Car registrations and so on. And that's before we pay the $250 dentist bill for Maddox's two cavities that got filled Monday.

The bloodletting of our savings account has come after cinching up our financial belts. We grocery shop at Aldi despite our kids' complaints about eating "Cocoa Peanut Butter Spheres" instead of Reese's Puffs. We cut cable for the first time since we were first married and made a combined $16,000/year. And it's football season. We coupon and cut corners and say "no" to our kids (and ourselves) way more than we say yes. Our last "luxury" is our membership at the Y.

As a result of our penny pinching, I've been living for the last year envying high schoolers coming into Starbucks ordering their venti soy chai dirty latte while I work from the booth sipping on my water debating on whether or not to use my son's $5 gift card he's forgotten about. I horde gift cards and stretch them out as long as I can. I missed lunch the other day and ended up running in a gas station to grab a 110 calorie snack sized teriyaki beef jerky (with 20 grams of protein), only to have buyer's remorse once I realized I spent $4.99 on it.

 

A word I've used a lot this year is "handcuffed." That's honestly how I've felt much of the time. Focusing a lot on what I can't have, seeing what everybody else seemingly DOES have. I even told my wife I resented her. To her face. There's a Hallmark moment for you. But in my desperate thinking, if she hadn't "been obedient" and quit her job, who's to say we would be in this situation? My head has had a hard time resolving what my heart knows--that it's not Bonnie's fault that I feel deprived. 

In the midst of the dirty struggle, it has become frighteningly easy to forget what I do have. That also this year, our car Ellie the Element that we've had longer than our kids went to the great scrap yard in the sky, and we had no idea how we were going to get another car. And somebody just gave us one. Walked into our house and started signing over the title to not just any car, but the kind of car Bonnie had been praying for. How easy it is to forget that I've gotten to go with my family on paid for trips to the mountains and the beach this summer. Or the brand new watch I'm wearing from the $250 shopping spree I got to take for being named Staff Member of the Month. Or the tickets Bonnie and I were given to go watch the Gators play in Columbia.

I'm telling you...it really is hard to serve both God and money. 

Tired of seeing my spirits fall with each drop in our savings, I try to step up to lead our family. How do I fix this?

For big decisions I tend to devote intentional time to prayer and fasting. It's not that I'm some spiritual giant, but Scripture says that some things can only be unlocked by prayer and fasting. I'm not sure what all those "some things" are, but I tend to include big decisions on that list. And hopefully another National Championship for the Gators. So I spend 10 days at the end of June eating vegan Pad Thai and apples with chunky peanut butter.

Our biggest expense right now clearly is our house. We bought it with two incomes, but our income has been cut in half. Between the mortgage and utilities, we're unquestionably house poor. But it's a house we felt like we were being obedient in buying three years ago. So something's gotta give.

So I'm fasting and praying through the question of whether or not to sell it. We love the house. It's a great house--we've got a playground and blueberry bushes in the back, "the jumps" and "commons" areas in the neighborhood where the boys love to play, the community pool literally directly across the street, and great friends that just moved in the neighborhood where we can exchange babysitting for date nights and our kids can carpool to school together.

Curious about the possibility of selling, we take the step of contacting our long time friend who happens to be in real estate. He runs some numbers, but they don't look promising. After being in the house for 3 years there's a chance we might only break even if we sell. Even so, after a week and a half of pears and prayers, I feel like we need to move forward and sell.

Then we hit a couple of speed bumps.

While on vacation at the beach (a trip provided by my mother-in-law), news breaks about our senior pastor and church founder being released from his position.

Crap.

Doesn't that put everything on hold? Will there be lay offs? Will the new direction of the church be a direction we want to go?

Layoffs at this point don't look likely, and we love our church--we have absolutely no plans of leaving. So the church factor is not a primary reason not to sell. Over the first bump.

Then comes another bump. Quite literally. Around this time we also found out that we're (or at least Bonnie is) pregnant with a surprise little nugget. A bombshell blessing. There's a, uh...certain surgery that I kept delaying--partially because of the money situation; partially because no warm-blooded male with a modicum of survival instincts really wants to schedule a weekend of sitting on a bag of frozen peas. So I got an 18 year parting gift instead.

On our 2nd doctor's visit we briefly get to see our matchbox car sized little tater, draw enough of Bonnie's blood to host a vampire's bachelor party, and then close out our stay by going over the financials at the checkout desk. There we're confronted with the reality that in a couple months' time, the rest of our savings will go toward buying our baby. Which isn't something you can put on layaway. For long, anyhow.

Even still, I can't seem to shake the call to take the step to put the house on the market.

Earlier this summer I was listening to Andy Stanley's podcast on big faith, and was gripped by his plea based on Peter walking on water to do what only you can do, and trust God to do what only He can do. Then I see a friend's social media post quoting Erwin McManus saying to "Allow yourself to step into a space where failure is assured unless God works on your behalf." Randomly, the church one Sunday gives bracelets away that read, "God's got this // God's got you." And the final straw was listening to a podcast from Crosspoint's Stories of Summer series where one of their former pastors taught on a message that was so timely for me even though the message was a couple months old. 

He spoke from Joshua chapter 1 (hard not to get pumped up going over a chapter that says "fear not" 10 times), and this message really seemed to sum up what had been bubbling under the surface of my faith.

First in reading the passage, the phrase, "Don't be afraid OR DISCOURAGED" jumped out at me. I had been both.

This pastor made statements like "I'm responsible for obedience, God is responsible for the outcome," and "If I had all the answers about my situation and what to do next, I would get all the credit." 

He talked about how God will leverage your circumstances to drive you into a deeper dependence on Him. Moses had to deal with parting the Red Sea with an army chasing them down. Joshua had to deal with crossing the Jordan at flood stage with reportedly invincible enemies in front of them. Both situations seemed impossible. Both bodies of water seemed impassable.

Until they took their first step of obedience.

So we go back to what has been our first step of obedience to take in selling the house. Not because it lines up with any sort of conventional wisdom. The numbers our friend ran already made it look like our greatest hope is to break even. We've missed prime house selling season in the summer before school starts. And aside from painting a few walls, we're not sinking any more money (that we don't have) to get it "ready to sell" - it needs new carpet, new landscaping, etc. We're going to declutter a little bit and take some things off the wall, but that's about it. If we sell and break even, we have no money for a moving truck, we have no down payment for a new place to live, no money for security deposits, what have you. 

So we stand at the edge of our Red Sea with the Egyptian army barreling towards us. We're looking ahead at the Jordan. And it's flood stage. 

But we can no longer just stand. We have to step.

I asked Bonnie to watch that sermon from Crosspoint as well. The quote that stuck out to her was, "He will overwhelm you in your circumstances beyond any solutions you can think of so His story is more powerfully told through your life."

This is that story.

Our march to the impassable waters, flooded financially, and stepping off the shore begging God to move. And at this point I have no idea how it will end, so we'll be due no credit for whatever happens next. With as much integrity as I can muster, my intent is not to try to manipulate God or try to back Him into a corner by taking this story public. God's good enough at His job without needing me to run PR for Him, and any panic on my part doesn't somehow automatically force God to reveal his power. This is just me limping into transparency of the struggle between my outer and inner me. The struggle of faith. Moving while standing still. Of relinquishing the pen back to the Author of Life, staring at the blank page of my family's next chapter begging Him to write anything but a tragedy. 

So we're stepping in faith. Because faith and fear both have something in common--they both believe in a future that hasn't happened yet. We're simply choosing to trust in advance what will only make sense in reverse. 

Chapter 1...

When are the right choices not the right choices?

When are the right choices not the right choices? 

(Spoiler Alert!) 

When it gets you out of the "impossible situation" the Lord is intentionally putting you in. 

We, too often, use "the right choices" to rescue ourselves instead of waiting in the uncomfortable or moving toward the impossible where reliance on God alone is the only answer. 

Today's Christian culture can lead us to believe that following Jesus gets us to the #blessed life where all our troubles disappear and there is no need for worry. I mean, how many times have we heard it said, "the Lord will never give you more than you can handle"? Even if we know that's not true, when it gets hard and uncomfortable we think we must be doing something wrong. We start looking around for "the right choices" to get ourselves out of the difficulties we must have somehow gotten ourselves into by mistake. 

However, that saying and the mindset are wrong! Nowhere in the Bible does it say he will not give us more than we can handle. On the contrary, we see time and time again where inadequate people are asked to do things well outside of their abilities and so much more than they can handle on their own. 

There are many examples in the Bible where this happens, but here are just a few...

• Moses challenged Pharaoh and rescued the Israelites from Egypt by leading them right to the Red Sea with the army chasing behind them. 
• Abraham was asked to sacrifice the child the Lord had miraculously given him and Sarah. 
• Gideon sent home all but 300 men out of his army of 32,000 before heading into battle against the "hordes" of soldiers too vast to count.
• Jehoshaphat moved toward an unbeatable army with praise songs and belief in the Lord's promises as his greatest weapons. 
• Jesus lets Lazarus die.
• Jesus himself dies on the cross.

Now pretend you don't know the outcome of these stories. How many "right choices" can you come up with to prevent these impossible situations? The problem solver/control freak in me has several for each one! I'm sure they did too! But they moved toward the obedience that put them in that place of absolute dependency on the Lord, regardless. 

What I know to be true is that when the Lord moves us toward impossible situations, where we have to rely solely on Him, it's not to harm us. It's so He can do what only He can do. It is always to reveal who He is (God), what He's capable of (the miracle), and to bring the much deserved glory to Himself. And so many times, in my own experience, I also gain a greater understanding of his perfect love for me in the process. 

Look back at the impossible situations from above and notice the miraculous outcomes the Lord had in store:

• He parted the Sea for Moses and walked the people between walls of water on dry land!
• He provided an alternative sacrifice for Abraham and blessed him for his obedience. 
• He goes ahead of both Gideon and Jehoshaphat and defeats the unbeatable armies without them even lifting a sword. 
• He brought Lazarus back from the dead!
• He made a way for all of humanity to have a relationship with Himself when He brought Jesus back from the dead! 

Who doesn't want to see a miracle? I'd say we would all love to see an actual miracle happen in our lives. He can give us gifts at any time, in any circumstance, but the truth is, we have to be in need of a miracle to receive one. Being in need of a miracle means you've followed God into your own impossible situation, and this is one of the most difficult places to be, especially for an extended amount of time, and most especially when we can create our own way out of that difficult place.

How many times have we missed out on our own miraculous experience because we made "the right choice" and got ourselves out of the impossible situation before the Lord was able to do it for us? 

Here's my current uncomfortable, impossible situation...

I've written about other times the Lord has lead us to take big steps of faith, but this one has by far been the hardest, mostly because it's been ongoing for over a year. 

In December of 2014, the Lord asked me to step out of ministry, away from a full time job. I knew I would fill my time pouring into my family and the people around me, but it was not a call to be a stay at home mom, it was a call to trust Him and be obedient in this season. 

We had some big decisions to make. When you drastically decrease your income, you must also decrease your expenses. As we sought the Lord we felt like he was also saying to not sell our house for a year. We did everything we could do to cut our expenses and stay in our house. We knew from the beginning though, this would eventually cause us to "hit a brick wall" as I've referred to it. The extra money in our bank account would only get us so far with this current plan. We've stretched and we've pinched pennies as best we could. We've made sacrifices. We've used the word budget more this last year than the previous 37 years combined! Our kids have learned to make choices based on budget as well...its been a hard year, but being tight with money isn't the hardest part for me. 

Knowing I can do something to fix the problem, and not doing it is the hardest part. I've offered plenty of alternative solutions to the Lord, only to get "trust me" as His answer. I am a little ashamed to admit how many times I've told God "but Dave Ramsey says...". I have complained to the Lord, argued with the Lord, thrown all "the right choice" options out to Him and cried many tears as we've made our way closer and closer to "the brick wall" we could see coming. I've battled through what people would think, what we would have to do for help, what it will look like when we actually hit bottom financially, and still He just calmly tells me He's got this, "I need only to be still". 

I don't know about you, but I don't sit still well. The good news is sitting still is not at all what it sounds like. Sitting still is not doing nothing, sitting still for us has been taking action to trust even when it doesn't look like a solution to "the brick wall".

Let me explain.

Here's where we are, at the brick wall. There's now less money in our account than we need to pay to deliver this baby in my belly. (Oh, did I mention He gave us a surprise as we made our way toward the brick wall...It's a girl!!) 

It's been over a year since He said not to sell the house, and now we believe He has said to put it on the market. If I'm vulnerable and honest, at this point selling the house means we likely don't have enough money for moving expenses, if we don't sell the house we can't pay the bills once the baby arrives. (You know, that brick wall we've feared since December of 2014.) So, sitting still for us is working our butts off to get the house we love ready to list and trusting wholeheartedly He has a miracle in store for us. 

We've followed Him (not always so gracefully, but the best we can) toward this impossible situation and we are expectant that He will reveal who He is, do what only He can do, and receive much deserved glory for Himself...I'll keep you posted!

When my life is over and someone tries to describe me, I don't want them to say "she lived a great life", I want them to say she was obedient to the Lord no matter what and we got to see the Lord do amazing things because of it. 

"Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God." Romans 4:20

#blessed 

#prayingforamiracle

#literally