Trust Without Borders

I love to sing worship songs, and one of my favorites is "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)". Countless times I have sung that song with my whole heart and begged God to

"Lead me where my trust is without borders" 

and to

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior."

Then all of the sudden I was there, in the deepest waters, where my feet were failing, when devastation surrounded me. A dear friend of mine died a tragic death, unexpectedly, a pastor's wife, with kids the same age as mine...a friend of 15 years, that I had not gotten to spend enough time with. We were supposed to take family vacations together, do life together, watch our lives and ministries turn out like we dreamed about together in 1999, which was actually happening until that sudden jolt of horror on May 13, 2014.

This heart that I had given to God and allowed him full access to now hurt in ways I didn't know it could hurt. I hurt for the loss I would experience, but I was absolutely broken for her boys. She was the most incredible mother! How could these boys have that taken from them? I was devastated for her husband. She was his best friend, his support, the love of his life, the other half of his heart.

I felt helpless to do anything for her (or her family), and complete hopelessness in the situation. I know God had the power to do something to stop it, or to save her life, but I didn't understand why he would choose not to. I don't know that I will ever understand why he didn't. But that's where I found myself, feeling helpless, hopeless and not able to see anything good in any direction.

I did what I have learned to do when I'm struggling...fight feelings with truth...

What do I know to be true?

• I know that God is a good God. 
• I know that he wants good things for his children (Psalm 31:19, Isaiah 44:3, Matthew 7:11, John 3:16 to name a few examples). 
• I know he works all things together for good (Romans 8:28). 
• I know God is in control and you can't mess up his plans (Job 42:2). 

But this time, I couldn't find evidence of any of this in these circumstances. I couldn't see it, no matter which way I angled it. There was no good that outweighed the bad. I know Jesus is alive and he is my savior. He wins in the end, but I felt like Satan had his victory, even if only in this one thing.

I didn't lose my faith in God completely. I just wrestled with how I could know these things were true, even in the middle of all this hurt. And that's when I found myself in a worship service singing (sobbing) my way through the words "You've never failed and you won't start now."

Did I really believe that this time?

Then the words following..."take me deeper than my feet could ever wander" hit like a ton of bricks. I could never have gotten myself here. I had begged God on many occasions to take me to a place where I can't see the borders, where I can't get there on my own, where my faith would be made stronger, where my feet may fail, and here I was exactly where I had asked to be and it looked nothing like what I thought. It was hard, and it hurt. I have taken some BIG steps of faith and trusted God before. But every time, I could see what he was gonna do. I didn't have any trouble believing how he could work it out for good, if only he provided like he said he would, and he always did. But this was different, I couldn't see it.

That's when he so kindly and gently said, "that's why its trust without borders."

Had I always believed him because I could see it?
What was I going to do now that I can't see it?

I had a choice to make. Does my being able to see it or not see it make it true? These things are true about God because that's who he is. If I believed that, then I had to believe it for this too. I've never had to come face to face with such a real life, do you believe everything about me or not, moment with God before.

In that moment, like every other time since I was 15, I chose to believe him. I chose to trust him without borders. I know these things are true about him, and I don't have to understand how he can make good that outweighs the bad out of this situation. I just have to know he can...in his way...in his time.

And now, I find myself experiencing the same tragic story again. I may not have been as close to Amanda Blackburn as I was to Kimberly Rewis, but what I see today is God using what I experienced in that hurt a year and a half ago to prepare me for this experience and to use me to help others this week as they face some of the same heartbreak and questions.

God DOES work all things together for good, even when we can't see it or don't feel it. I choose to believe it and today if sharing this helps just one person "keep their eyes above the waves," then friend...we are seeing some good from it already.