The Blank White Space

Here we are on day 2 of this new year and I can’t stop thinking about the blank white space. Yesterday as I saw multiple posts about people setting goals and planning for the year ahead I wanted to do the same. I love a good plan! But honestly, as I thought more and more about it, something is different this year. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but this year feels different. It feels like I’ve had a peek behind the curtain, a better understanding of who God is makes you look at things a little differently. 

Over the years I’ve prayed for a specific word to hold onto for some years, other years I’ve halfheartedly set some goals I had more hope than will towards reaching. For some reason this year feels so different. Maybe it’s that I’m now 40, maybe it’s this crazy journey of blind faith the Lord has had us on, maybe it’s just new realizations of the depths of spiritual warfare going on all around me, maybe it’s just a better understanding of who I am this year. Whatever it is, probably all of it, it makes me stop and really evaluate what I want out of this year and how I will get there. 

However, I can’t get past the blank white space. I’ve learned this past year that fear has always been a big factor in my life, but the Lord wipes the slate clean by reminding me to trust. I’ve recognized I like to be in control and know what is ahead, yet the Lord has said, “follow me one step at a time”...blank white. I long for the Lord to show up and give us the next steps, provide miraculously in response to our blind faith, but he keeps reminding me my hope is in HIM, not what he does for us.
So, I sit down and think about the year ahead and I just keep coming back to the blank white space. I’ve learned a lot about my own response to goals and determination this past year and it’s an area I want to change and grow, but where do I start with the blank white space. 

I know the Lord is using this to draw something out of me, I’m just not there yet. Maybe it’s freedom. I’ve let go and laid down a lot over the last year, but I still like lines on my paper. I’ve never been comfortable with blank paper and a crayon in my hand. I like structure, I like the black lines on the paper to show me where to fill in. Give me a coloring sheet for goodness sake. Give me the notebook paper. I know it’s purpose. I get stuck when I don’t know the purpose, when I am not given the picture. When I’m told, just create anything, I freeze at the sight of the blank white space. 

That’s where I sit at the beginning of this new year, leaning in asking the Lord what the picture is going to look like, so I know how to fill it in, but he whispers back, “create anything”. With tears in my eyes I hand him all my fears and what ifs about how uncomfortable that makes me and he holds my face in his hands and says “don’t you know I can make anything beautiful darling?”

May this year bring a new found freedom to create unbridled joy!