Chapter 1: 4 Weeks, 4 Showings, and 1 Lousy Offer

It's P.T. hijacking Bonnie's blog again with an update on where we are in our story...

So a month ago I posted the preface to our current story: pages that amount to months of a journey that has led us to take a step of faith and put our house on the market having no clue what's next aside from a baby due date (Groundhog Day, 2017!) and a depleted savings account. Now, a month later, chapter one's title reads more like the punch line of a joke than what we'd love for our current reality to be--partly because the one offer we've gotten was laughable (25 grand below asking price). We weren't laughing (with the potential buyers anyway).  

Meanwhile, we've heard amazing stories of people whose house sold within 5 hours of its listing while the sellers were literally asleep. 5 hours! That's awesome! That's incredible! My nose would grow like a wooden boy's if I told you those kind of stories haven't made me jealous. Made me question. Made me wonder. Where's our 5 hour story?

Because how Hollywood could it have been to post a blog about stepping out on big faith...about how God's got this and God's got us, and then immediately see God do something miraculously, "immeasurably more" than our biggest dreams? A check shows up in our mailbox the next day with the inheritance money of a long-lost relative I didn't know we had. Or discovering the next day there are deposits of natural gas under our house, and we're entitled to a large sum of mineral rights money. Heck, I'd even take the Monopoly dude showing up with a Community Chest card that reads "Bank error in your favor, collect $200!"

Hearing stories like the 5 hour home sale while we clean the house every day for a month on the hopes of a showing leaves me with lots of questions. Questions of: 

What? What are we supposed to do after we run out of savings next month? After Bonnie has the baby in February? Is Bonnie supposed to get a full-time job? Are we supposed to go into debt?

Where? Where are we supposed to move if the house does sell soon? Where are all the potential buyers? Where are you in this situation, God?

When? When will our situation change? When will someone buy our house? We know the answer to one when...when our savings will run out, but all our other whens are left unanswered. 

Why? I've had lots of these questions (don't we all when we get squeezed?). Why did we feel led to buy this house 3 years ago if we're just supposed to turn around and sell it for little or no profit? Why don't you do something about this, God?

Reality is, as much as I'd like to, I don't have a lot of control over my what, where, when, and why. I don't get to choose or have answers to most of those questions. I don't get to choose when our house will sell. I don't get to choose when we have to pay the hospital and maternity doctors. I don't have control of many of the factors that affect our current situation. I don't get to choose my what, where, when, and why...but I get to choose my who. And I'm learning that my hope can't be in the somethings I can't control, but in Someone who is.

Part of the benefit of being a teacher is that I get to learn a whole lot. Right now in teaching through Survey of the Bible we've been going through the story of the Old Testament, and YES...there's lots of weird and disturbing things in the Old Testament. Yes it's full of jacked up people doing jacked up things. Yes some of it can be difficult to wade through (I'm looking at you, Leviticus). But it's also full of hope in the seemingly darkest of places. Stories revealing that God is most powerfully present when he seems most apparently absent. 

Like Joseph. An easy target. From favored son, to slave, to prisoner before finally being put into position as 2nd in command of all of Egypt. Joseph endured years of being overlooked before seeing that God had been moving behind the scenes to not just elevate Joseph, but to put him in position to save nations of people from starvation, including the promised descendants of Abraham. 

Or how about the whiny children of Israel in Numbers while they wandered in the wilderness for 40 years? They were clutching to the promises that they were going to one day be able to enter a good land flowing with milk and honey while they chewed on some unidentifiable heavenly saltines every day. Yet as they finally get to enter that good land, it's revealed that God had been working in the background. God wasn't squandering their wandering. He was preparing cities, vineyards, and groves for the Israelites in this promised land through the sweat and labor of others (Joshua 24:13).

Or the great story of suffering to redemption we see in Ruth as enemy Moabite, widowed Ruth moves from foreigner to family; widow to wife in the dark time of the judges. The main complaint (and final verse of Judges) was that the Israelites needed a king. And so in the midst of that dark period, God was moving in the background bringing foreigner Ruth into the family of Israel who would eventually give birth to king David--the answer to what the people were looking for. 

Honestly I'd love to have a 5 hour story to post. To go from the preface page of our story straight to "The End." But I think that would be squandering our wandering. Because I believe that sometimes, God doesn't answer our prayers or give us the thing that we're asking for not because He isn't good enough. Not because He isn't strong enough. Not because we've done anything wrong or are so bad at prayer. But because he's willing to deprive us of something in order to drive us deeper into someone.

There's an undeniable relationship between trust and transformation. My greatest spiritual growth doesn't happen on Sunday when I know the tomb is empty, but on the dark Saturday while I'm still waiting with more questions than answers. Trusting. Hoping. Believing in faith that God can move in power. A 5 hour story leaves little room for trust, which leaves little room for transformation.

And that's what I want. That's the whole goal of being a Jesus-follower after all, isn't it? To look more like Jesus in what we say and do?

So though I hear his silence, and feel his apparent absence, I'm choosing to trust his presence. I'm choosing to believe the most prolific promise in scripture of, "I am with you." That though I haven't seen much movement on the housing front, he's rearranging things in His home in my heart and making more room for me to be filled with His fullness (Eph. 3:19).

Though my preference and my tendency is to put my faith in what's tangible--things I can see and touch, (my what, where, when, and why), those are ultimately the very things I can't control. So I'm still learning to put my faith in what's intangible. Someone I can't see or touch (my who). And trust from what I know to be true of His character that He is in control. That even if my family's circumstances get worse from here--if we go into debt or lose the house or whatever "what ifs" the natural me tends to dread...that God is still working things out in the background to do things I couldn't have even thought to ask for in a 5 hour story. 

It may not be the story I wanted. But it's obviously the story I needed. Though the one offer on our house in Simpsonville was a lousy offer, the offer of transformation through trust I'm expecting to reap quite the return. So in the meantime, I'll try not to squander my wander and echo the words of the psalmist who said, "I will remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

   

Show Me the Money!

So this is P.T. taking over Bonnie's blog today with kind of part blog entry, part journal, part Gethsemane-esque prayer. Yesterday Bonnie shared her side of our story over the past year and her struggle to not jump in and problem solve. Today I share my side of the story. Her problem wasn't about the money...it was mine.

8/3/16 - Preface

This year has been...challenging. 

And that's not the kind of thing that I let on to easily.

But I'm crumbling. In a good way.

Earlier this year I heard a pastor spin the phrase, "my biggest enemy is my inner me." And I definitely believe there's truth to that statement. But then today I was reading Scary Close by Donald Miller (who I think is brilliant) after having also recently read a couple chapters in When People are Big and God is Small--and I've learned that while I definitely have an enemy in my inner me, not many people have access to that part of me. As much as I battle an inner me, a long time ago I created an outer me--a theatrical performer...my candy coated shell of happiness, humor, and having-it-all-togetherness to protect my gooey center. Most of you know my outer me. And while my life is not a total masquerade, I definitely know how to put on a good show. Afterall that gooey center is home to my flaws and fears and failures. Shame and guilt that I use the outer me to cover. 

But there's a crack in my shell. And I'm here to expose what's inside.

Last May Bonnie stepped down from her full-time job at NewSpring. A job she enjoyed surrounded by people she loved. It honestly didn't make sense for her to step down--she's felt called to work in full-time vocational ministry since she was a teenager. It's what she can only describe as a "tie your shoe moment." We love the Bourne movies, and in the trilogy's closer, amnesiac multi-lingual super soldier Jason Bourne is helping guide a civilian reporter away from some bad guys who are trying to kill him. Bourne is communicating with the reporter by phone watching the scenario unfold, and at one point, tells the reporter to bend over and tie his shoe even though his shoe is already tied. It's not that Bourne actually needed the reporter to tie his shoe--he needed the reporter to duck down out of the line of sight of the approaching hit men there to take his life. The reporter is oblivious. He simply trusts that Jason Bourne has a better vantage point and a plan and ultimately follows through with his nonsensical demand. That's where we were with Bonnie quitting her job--tie your shoe. As a result we've been living for 14 months on about half the income that we had been making.

Meanwhile, since January of this year the needle on our savings gauge has been dropping faster than the British pound. Our roof had 3 leaks. A/C goes out. Cars needed repair. Both life insurance policies came up for renewal. HOA dues. Car registrations and so on. And that's before we pay the $250 dentist bill for Maddox's two cavities that got filled Monday.

The bloodletting of our savings account has come after cinching up our financial belts. We grocery shop at Aldi despite our kids' complaints about eating "Cocoa Peanut Butter Spheres" instead of Reese's Puffs. We cut cable for the first time since we were first married and made a combined $16,000/year. And it's football season. We coupon and cut corners and say "no" to our kids (and ourselves) way more than we say yes. Our last "luxury" is our membership at the Y.

As a result of our penny pinching, I've been living for the last year envying high schoolers coming into Starbucks ordering their venti soy chai dirty latte while I work from the booth sipping on my water debating on whether or not to use my son's $5 gift card he's forgotten about. I horde gift cards and stretch them out as long as I can. I missed lunch the other day and ended up running in a gas station to grab a 110 calorie snack sized teriyaki beef jerky (with 20 grams of protein), only to have buyer's remorse once I realized I spent $4.99 on it.

 

A word I've used a lot this year is "handcuffed." That's honestly how I've felt much of the time. Focusing a lot on what I can't have, seeing what everybody else seemingly DOES have. I even told my wife I resented her. To her face. There's a Hallmark moment for you. But in my desperate thinking, if she hadn't "been obedient" and quit her job, who's to say we would be in this situation? My head has had a hard time resolving what my heart knows--that it's not Bonnie's fault that I feel deprived. 

In the midst of the dirty struggle, it has become frighteningly easy to forget what I do have. That also this year, our car Ellie the Element that we've had longer than our kids went to the great scrap yard in the sky, and we had no idea how we were going to get another car. And somebody just gave us one. Walked into our house and started signing over the title to not just any car, but the kind of car Bonnie had been praying for. How easy it is to forget that I've gotten to go with my family on paid for trips to the mountains and the beach this summer. Or the brand new watch I'm wearing from the $250 shopping spree I got to take for being named Staff Member of the Month. Or the tickets Bonnie and I were given to go watch the Gators play in Columbia.

I'm telling you...it really is hard to serve both God and money. 

Tired of seeing my spirits fall with each drop in our savings, I try to step up to lead our family. How do I fix this?

For big decisions I tend to devote intentional time to prayer and fasting. It's not that I'm some spiritual giant, but Scripture says that some things can only be unlocked by prayer and fasting. I'm not sure what all those "some things" are, but I tend to include big decisions on that list. And hopefully another National Championship for the Gators. So I spend 10 days at the end of June eating vegan Pad Thai and apples with chunky peanut butter.

Our biggest expense right now clearly is our house. We bought it with two incomes, but our income has been cut in half. Between the mortgage and utilities, we're unquestionably house poor. But it's a house we felt like we were being obedient in buying three years ago. So something's gotta give.

So I'm fasting and praying through the question of whether or not to sell it. We love the house. It's a great house--we've got a playground and blueberry bushes in the back, "the jumps" and "commons" areas in the neighborhood where the boys love to play, the community pool literally directly across the street, and great friends that just moved in the neighborhood where we can exchange babysitting for date nights and our kids can carpool to school together.

Curious about the possibility of selling, we take the step of contacting our long time friend who happens to be in real estate. He runs some numbers, but they don't look promising. After being in the house for 3 years there's a chance we might only break even if we sell. Even so, after a week and a half of pears and prayers, I feel like we need to move forward and sell.

Then we hit a couple of speed bumps.

While on vacation at the beach (a trip provided by my mother-in-law), news breaks about our senior pastor and church founder being released from his position.

Crap.

Doesn't that put everything on hold? Will there be lay offs? Will the new direction of the church be a direction we want to go?

Layoffs at this point don't look likely, and we love our church--we have absolutely no plans of leaving. So the church factor is not a primary reason not to sell. Over the first bump.

Then comes another bump. Quite literally. Around this time we also found out that we're (or at least Bonnie is) pregnant with a surprise little nugget. A bombshell blessing. There's a, uh...certain surgery that I kept delaying--partially because of the money situation; partially because no warm-blooded male with a modicum of survival instincts really wants to schedule a weekend of sitting on a bag of frozen peas. So I got an 18 year parting gift instead.

On our 2nd doctor's visit we briefly get to see our matchbox car sized little tater, draw enough of Bonnie's blood to host a vampire's bachelor party, and then close out our stay by going over the financials at the checkout desk. There we're confronted with the reality that in a couple months' time, the rest of our savings will go toward buying our baby. Which isn't something you can put on layaway. For long, anyhow.

Even still, I can't seem to shake the call to take the step to put the house on the market.

Earlier this summer I was listening to Andy Stanley's podcast on big faith, and was gripped by his plea based on Peter walking on water to do what only you can do, and trust God to do what only He can do. Then I see a friend's social media post quoting Erwin McManus saying to "Allow yourself to step into a space where failure is assured unless God works on your behalf." Randomly, the church one Sunday gives bracelets away that read, "God's got this // God's got you." And the final straw was listening to a podcast from Crosspoint's Stories of Summer series where one of their former pastors taught on a message that was so timely for me even though the message was a couple months old. 

He spoke from Joshua chapter 1 (hard not to get pumped up going over a chapter that says "fear not" 10 times), and this message really seemed to sum up what had been bubbling under the surface of my faith.

First in reading the passage, the phrase, "Don't be afraid OR DISCOURAGED" jumped out at me. I had been both.

This pastor made statements like "I'm responsible for obedience, God is responsible for the outcome," and "If I had all the answers about my situation and what to do next, I would get all the credit." 

He talked about how God will leverage your circumstances to drive you into a deeper dependence on Him. Moses had to deal with parting the Red Sea with an army chasing them down. Joshua had to deal with crossing the Jordan at flood stage with reportedly invincible enemies in front of them. Both situations seemed impossible. Both bodies of water seemed impassable.

Until they took their first step of obedience.

So we go back to what has been our first step of obedience to take in selling the house. Not because it lines up with any sort of conventional wisdom. The numbers our friend ran already made it look like our greatest hope is to break even. We've missed prime house selling season in the summer before school starts. And aside from painting a few walls, we're not sinking any more money (that we don't have) to get it "ready to sell" - it needs new carpet, new landscaping, etc. We're going to declutter a little bit and take some things off the wall, but that's about it. If we sell and break even, we have no money for a moving truck, we have no down payment for a new place to live, no money for security deposits, what have you. 

So we stand at the edge of our Red Sea with the Egyptian army barreling towards us. We're looking ahead at the Jordan. And it's flood stage. 

But we can no longer just stand. We have to step.

I asked Bonnie to watch that sermon from Crosspoint as well. The quote that stuck out to her was, "He will overwhelm you in your circumstances beyond any solutions you can think of so His story is more powerfully told through your life."

This is that story.

Our march to the impassable waters, flooded financially, and stepping off the shore begging God to move. And at this point I have no idea how it will end, so we'll be due no credit for whatever happens next. With as much integrity as I can muster, my intent is not to try to manipulate God or try to back Him into a corner by taking this story public. God's good enough at His job without needing me to run PR for Him, and any panic on my part doesn't somehow automatically force God to reveal his power. This is just me limping into transparency of the struggle between my outer and inner me. The struggle of faith. Moving while standing still. Of relinquishing the pen back to the Author of Life, staring at the blank page of my family's next chapter begging Him to write anything but a tragedy. 

So we're stepping in faith. Because faith and fear both have something in common--they both believe in a future that hasn't happened yet. We're simply choosing to trust in advance what will only make sense in reverse. 

Chapter 1...

When are the right choices not the right choices?

When are the right choices not the right choices? 

(Spoiler Alert!) 

When it gets you out of the "impossible situation" the Lord is intentionally putting you in. 

We, too often, use "the right choices" to rescue ourselves instead of waiting in the uncomfortable or moving toward the impossible where reliance on God alone is the only answer. 

Today's Christian culture can lead us to believe that following Jesus gets us to the #blessed life where all our troubles disappear and there is no need for worry. I mean, how many times have we heard it said, "the Lord will never give you more than you can handle"? Even if we know that's not true, when it gets hard and uncomfortable we think we must be doing something wrong. We start looking around for "the right choices" to get ourselves out of the difficulties we must have somehow gotten ourselves into by mistake. 

However, that saying and the mindset are wrong! Nowhere in the Bible does it say he will not give us more than we can handle. On the contrary, we see time and time again where inadequate people are asked to do things well outside of their abilities and so much more than they can handle on their own. 

There are many examples in the Bible where this happens, but here are just a few...

• Moses challenged Pharaoh and rescued the Israelites from Egypt by leading them right to the Red Sea with the army chasing behind them. 
• Abraham was asked to sacrifice the child the Lord had miraculously given him and Sarah. 
• Gideon sent home all but 300 men out of his army of 32,000 before heading into battle against the "hordes" of soldiers too vast to count.
• Jehoshaphat moved toward an unbeatable army with praise songs and belief in the Lord's promises as his greatest weapons. 
• Jesus lets Lazarus die.
• Jesus himself dies on the cross.

Now pretend you don't know the outcome of these stories. How many "right choices" can you come up with to prevent these impossible situations? The problem solver/control freak in me has several for each one! I'm sure they did too! But they moved toward the obedience that put them in that place of absolute dependency on the Lord, regardless. 

What I know to be true is that when the Lord moves us toward impossible situations, where we have to rely solely on Him, it's not to harm us. It's so He can do what only He can do. It is always to reveal who He is (God), what He's capable of (the miracle), and to bring the much deserved glory to Himself. And so many times, in my own experience, I also gain a greater understanding of his perfect love for me in the process. 

Look back at the impossible situations from above and notice the miraculous outcomes the Lord had in store:

• He parted the Sea for Moses and walked the people between walls of water on dry land!
• He provided an alternative sacrifice for Abraham and blessed him for his obedience. 
• He goes ahead of both Gideon and Jehoshaphat and defeats the unbeatable armies without them even lifting a sword. 
• He brought Lazarus back from the dead!
• He made a way for all of humanity to have a relationship with Himself when He brought Jesus back from the dead! 

Who doesn't want to see a miracle? I'd say we would all love to see an actual miracle happen in our lives. He can give us gifts at any time, in any circumstance, but the truth is, we have to be in need of a miracle to receive one. Being in need of a miracle means you've followed God into your own impossible situation, and this is one of the most difficult places to be, especially for an extended amount of time, and most especially when we can create our own way out of that difficult place.

How many times have we missed out on our own miraculous experience because we made "the right choice" and got ourselves out of the impossible situation before the Lord was able to do it for us? 

Here's my current uncomfortable, impossible situation...

I've written about other times the Lord has lead us to take big steps of faith, but this one has by far been the hardest, mostly because it's been ongoing for over a year. 

In December of 2014, the Lord asked me to step out of ministry, away from a full time job. I knew I would fill my time pouring into my family and the people around me, but it was not a call to be a stay at home mom, it was a call to trust Him and be obedient in this season. 

We had some big decisions to make. When you drastically decrease your income, you must also decrease your expenses. As we sought the Lord we felt like he was also saying to not sell our house for a year. We did everything we could do to cut our expenses and stay in our house. We knew from the beginning though, this would eventually cause us to "hit a brick wall" as I've referred to it. The extra money in our bank account would only get us so far with this current plan. We've stretched and we've pinched pennies as best we could. We've made sacrifices. We've used the word budget more this last year than the previous 37 years combined! Our kids have learned to make choices based on budget as well...its been a hard year, but being tight with money isn't the hardest part for me. 

Knowing I can do something to fix the problem, and not doing it is the hardest part. I've offered plenty of alternative solutions to the Lord, only to get "trust me" as His answer. I am a little ashamed to admit how many times I've told God "but Dave Ramsey says...". I have complained to the Lord, argued with the Lord, thrown all "the right choice" options out to Him and cried many tears as we've made our way closer and closer to "the brick wall" we could see coming. I've battled through what people would think, what we would have to do for help, what it will look like when we actually hit bottom financially, and still He just calmly tells me He's got this, "I need only to be still". 

I don't know about you, but I don't sit still well. The good news is sitting still is not at all what it sounds like. Sitting still is not doing nothing, sitting still for us has been taking action to trust even when it doesn't look like a solution to "the brick wall".

Let me explain.

Here's where we are, at the brick wall. There's now less money in our account than we need to pay to deliver this baby in my belly. (Oh, did I mention He gave us a surprise as we made our way toward the brick wall...It's a girl!!) 

It's been over a year since He said not to sell the house, and now we believe He has said to put it on the market. If I'm vulnerable and honest, at this point selling the house means we likely don't have enough money for moving expenses, if we don't sell the house we can't pay the bills once the baby arrives. (You know, that brick wall we've feared since December of 2014.) So, sitting still for us is working our butts off to get the house we love ready to list and trusting wholeheartedly He has a miracle in store for us. 

We've followed Him (not always so gracefully, but the best we can) toward this impossible situation and we are expectant that He will reveal who He is, do what only He can do, and receive much deserved glory for Himself...I'll keep you posted!

When my life is over and someone tries to describe me, I don't want them to say "she lived a great life", I want them to say she was obedient to the Lord no matter what and we got to see the Lord do amazing things because of it. 

"Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God." Romans 4:20

#blessed 

#prayingforamiracle

#literally

What do you really believe about Ephesians 3:20?

This verse became a favorite of mine many years ago when I was in a job that at times felt WAY over my head and often required God to come through in big ways for everything to work out. What better verse to memorize and cling to than this. 

Ephesians 3:20 (NIV)

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

God can do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine! I've seen him come through when I couldn't manufacture the outcome needed...He stepped in and helped. I know that he has come through for me many times and done exactly what I needed or wanted, and done it better than I could have done on my own. My question today is, how does this verse play out when I don't get the outcome I expected?

I can't help but contemplate this question as we sit here on Saturday of Easter Weekend...the day between Jesus' death and resurrection. It doesn't mean much to us, we know He's alive, but what about his followers, his mother, his friends? What would they have said about this truth on this day? They expected a powerful ruler to lead their people, and the person they trusted to do that was now dead. How can God do immeasurably more with this? 

This verse does not mean that God takes our expectations and makes them bigger and better. It means he wants us to trust him with our expectations and watch him do something that we couldn't have even thought of on our own. Jesus' followers, despite him telling them over and over, had no idea he would be alive tomorrow! 

What do you believe about this truth? Are you holding on to hope that God will take your expectation and do it bigger and better than you could do on your own? Are you in the dark place of an unmet expectation, left feeling hopeless before the one who was supposed to help you? 

If you could have imagined it or even asked for it, then it may not be what He's planning. He can do immeasurably more than you can ask or imagine. Sometimes to see this happen, we have to do 2 things...

1 - Let your expectations die and trust His plan even when you don't understand or see any possible way he can make this better.

2 - Hope in HIM when circumstances seem hopeless. 

Why...

Because HE's ALIVE!!! Proving he is able to do immeasurably more than you can ask or imagine!!!!

Trust Without Borders

I love to sing worship songs, and one of my favorites is "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)". Countless times I have sung that song with my whole heart and begged God to

"Lead me where my trust is without borders" 

and to

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior."

Then all of the sudden I was there, in the deepest waters, where my feet were failing, when devastation surrounded me. A dear friend of mine died a tragic death, unexpectedly, a pastor's wife, with kids the same age as mine...a friend of 15 years, that I had not gotten to spend enough time with. We were supposed to take family vacations together, do life together, watch our lives and ministries turn out like we dreamed about together in 1999, which was actually happening until that sudden jolt of horror on May 13, 2014.

This heart that I had given to God and allowed him full access to now hurt in ways I didn't know it could hurt. I hurt for the loss I would experience, but I was absolutely broken for her boys. She was the most incredible mother! How could these boys have that taken from them? I was devastated for her husband. She was his best friend, his support, the love of his life, the other half of his heart.

I felt helpless to do anything for her (or her family), and complete hopelessness in the situation. I know God had the power to do something to stop it, or to save her life, but I didn't understand why he would choose not to. I don't know that I will ever understand why he didn't. But that's where I found myself, feeling helpless, hopeless and not able to see anything good in any direction.

I did what I have learned to do when I'm struggling...fight feelings with truth...

What do I know to be true?

• I know that God is a good God. 
• I know that he wants good things for his children (Psalm 31:19, Isaiah 44:3, Matthew 7:11, John 3:16 to name a few examples). 
• I know he works all things together for good (Romans 8:28). 
• I know God is in control and you can't mess up his plans (Job 42:2). 

But this time, I couldn't find evidence of any of this in these circumstances. I couldn't see it, no matter which way I angled it. There was no good that outweighed the bad. I know Jesus is alive and he is my savior. He wins in the end, but I felt like Satan had his victory, even if only in this one thing.

I didn't lose my faith in God completely. I just wrestled with how I could know these things were true, even in the middle of all this hurt. And that's when I found myself in a worship service singing (sobbing) my way through the words "You've never failed and you won't start now."

Did I really believe that this time?

Then the words following..."take me deeper than my feet could ever wander" hit like a ton of bricks. I could never have gotten myself here. I had begged God on many occasions to take me to a place where I can't see the borders, where I can't get there on my own, where my faith would be made stronger, where my feet may fail, and here I was exactly where I had asked to be and it looked nothing like what I thought. It was hard, and it hurt. I have taken some BIG steps of faith and trusted God before. But every time, I could see what he was gonna do. I didn't have any trouble believing how he could work it out for good, if only he provided like he said he would, and he always did. But this was different, I couldn't see it.

That's when he so kindly and gently said, "that's why its trust without borders."

Had I always believed him because I could see it?
What was I going to do now that I can't see it?

I had a choice to make. Does my being able to see it or not see it make it true? These things are true about God because that's who he is. If I believed that, then I had to believe it for this too. I've never had to come face to face with such a real life, do you believe everything about me or not, moment with God before.

In that moment, like every other time since I was 15, I chose to believe him. I chose to trust him without borders. I know these things are true about him, and I don't have to understand how he can make good that outweighs the bad out of this situation. I just have to know he can...in his way...in his time.

And now, I find myself experiencing the same tragic story again. I may not have been as close to Amanda Blackburn as I was to Kimberly Rewis, but what I see today is God using what I experienced in that hurt a year and a half ago to prepare me for this experience and to use me to help others this week as they face some of the same heartbreak and questions.

God DOES work all things together for good, even when we can't see it or don't feel it. I choose to believe it and today if sharing this helps just one person "keep their eyes above the waves," then friend...we are seeing some good from it already.

Arms Wide Open

I've been thinking a lot about what it looks like to live life to the fullest over the last 2 years. I saw an image today that gave me a mental picture of what God has been teaching my heart. 

I saw a picture of a person standing with their arms stretched wide open. After I unknowingly started singing part of the chorus from an old Creed song, I started thinking about how uncommon it is for us to make this motion. What is it about this position that says so much without using any words? I think it is very difficult to half heartedly form this position. When done right, it shows excitement. It makes me think of incredible love. I have opened my arms like this and told my kids "I love you THIS much!" My heart is filled knowing that no matter how much I stretch out my arms, Jesus stretches his further. In fact, it was this position that he took in order to give me life. He stretched his arms wide open when he died on the cross for me. I think the power of this position exists because it evokes so much emotion not only because you can't do it half heartedly, but because it is hard for anyone to deny Christ while standing (or even seeing someone else) in the position.

God began to speak to my heart and remind me that he wants my life to be lived in this position. Where this position speaks of excitement, whole heartedness, passion, love and forgiveness, it also expresses fullness. It says, "I have so much in me that I just can't contain it. I have to stand with arms wide open and shout from the roof top!" Jesus wants us to have a full life. In John 10:10 Jesus says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." It was a gentle reminder for me that I can't worry about what someone else thinks and live my life in this position. I can't build walls around my heart and not allow people in while living my life in this position. There is no half hearted living in this position. It is the position I picture living life and having it to the full!


Thank you Jesus for stretching your arms wide open for me, for showing me how much you love me. Thank you for this image of what a full life looks like. I pray that you help me to live my life in this position, not afraid to be who you've created me to be, facing life whole heartely and so full that I just can't keep it to myself. 

Want to join the Super Hero Squad?

  

I guess I have super heroes on my brain after Cooper's Super Hero birthday party a couple of weeks ago!

As I read in 1 and 2 Kings I couldn't help but picture the Super Hero Squad. I know, I know there are heroes all over the Bible! This one however, includes super human speed, strength and a cape! I've been a Christian for over 15 years now and I had no idea the Bible included these things. I love when God pours out things like you've never seen them before. I hope you enjoy!

So, let me set up the story...(only wishing I had pictures and caption bubbles). Israel had again turned their back on God and was caught up in worship of other gods, of which the most popular was Baal. Elijah challenged the prophets of Baal to a contest to determine who was the real God. There were hundreds of Baal prophets against Elijah and his God. Elijah gave them all day to have their god set fire to an altar. There was even mocking and taunting. Yes, trash talk existed in the Bible! Then Elijah had a turn. He had them dig a trench around the alter and soak the wood with water 3 times before calling on God to light the fire. Immediately upon asking God to show who he was to all these people "the fire of the Lord flashed down from heaven and burned up the young bull, the wood, the stones and the dust. It even licked up all the water in the trench!" (1Kings 18:38)

Elijah saw a great victory, but the super hero part starts here! There had been a drought for 3 years and after the defeat on Mount Carmel Elijah prayed for God to send rain. As the sky turned black, "A heavy wind brought a terrific rainstorm, and Ahab left quickly for Jezreel. Then the Lord gave special strength to Elijah. He tucked his cloak into his belt and ran ahead of Ahab's chariot all the way to the entrance of Jezreel." (1 Kings 18:45-46) Did you catch that? Ahab left quickly in his chariot, but Elijah tucked his super cape, channeled his super speed and super strength and stayed ahead of Ahab's chariots all the way back. POW!!! This boy was on fire! (oh wait - that's the human torch aka Abednego...another story/another day.) 

Let's talk about that super cape! In 2 Kings he used that cape when he met Elisha. God told him to go get Elisha and train him to be his replacement. He headed out to find Elisha working in a field and he "went over to him and threw his cloak across his shoulders and then walked away." Elisha asks simply asks if he can go and say bye to his mom and dad, and Elijah answers, "Go on back, but think about what I have done to you." (1 Kings 19:19-20) Ka-Bam!!! That cape has some powers. What had he done to him, and how on earth did Elisha know what that meant? It must be part of the super hero code! 

But you know...I hear stories like this all the time at NewSpring. People out doing their jobs, serving in the church, minding their own business when God starts working on something in their heart..."sell your business and get ready for what I'm gonna do"..."quit your job and wait for me to show you the ministry I have for you." Then, out of nowhere someone from the church asks you to lunch and says, "I think God wants you to be our next campus pastor", or "You know, God has been preparing you to do this ministry we want to start." I guess Elisha knew what it meant because it lined up with what God was doing in him. Boom!!! Being a super hero requires sacrifices! He knew exactly what Elijah had "done to" him, and he was willing to go.

There's another story involving that super cape, though. The transfer of power! 2 Kings 2 Elijah is making his way to the other side of the Jordan, (where apparently he has a rendezvous scheduled.) When they arrive at the Jordan river "Elijah folded his cloak together and struck the water with it. The river divided, and the two of them went across on dry ground!" (2 Kings 2:8) It was on the other side of the river that "suddenly a chariot of fire appeared, drawn by horses of fire. It drove between the two men, separating them, and Elijah was carried by a whirlwind into heaven...Elisha picked up the cloak, which had fallen when he was taken up. Then Elisha returned to the bank of the Jordan River. He struck the water with Elijah's cloak and cried out, 'Where is the Lord, the God of Elijah?' Then the river divided, and Elisha went across." (2 Kings 2:11-14) Elisha went on to do many super human feats including raising a boy from the dead!

It was fun to see real super hero kind of stuff with super human feats, cape and all, but I guess what I'm trying to say in all of this is that God has the power to make you into a super hero.

     Do you believe he has the power to get you out of a jam?
     Do you believe that God is the same God today that he was then?
     Are you willing to make the sacrifices?

Are you focused on what you would do with that power, or what God would have you do with that power?

I love that Elijah's prayer on Mount Carmel had nothing to do with him, and was all about God's glory...

"O Lord, God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, prove today that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant. Prove that I have done all this at your command. O Lord, answer me! Answer me so these people will know that you, O Lord, are God and that you have brought them back to yourself." (1 Kings 18:36-37)

God is the same God he was for Elijah and Elisha. He does have the power to do anything with you and through you and He wants to use you to bring people back to Him!

What are you doing with your Super Powers?