Chapter 7 - I Want to Quit

I (P.T.) would be lying if I said this past season has been easy.

And this season has been anything but short. But I'm learning the value of the long game.

Bonnie and I wrote several blog posts last Fall detailing our path of obedience that led to tight financial times, and ultimately the faith-decision to sell our house. Now, a year later, our situation isn't really all that different financially (though we have a small sum sitting in savings earmarked for a down payment on a house)--we're paying slightly less than we were to be in a 4 bedroom house, only now we're living in a 3 bedroom apartment.

Yeah. Had LOTS of questions about that on moving day (and since). Some not so nice questions. THAT? That is where we're supposed to bring home our baby girl? A tiny room full of boxes and a pack-n-play instead of a Pinterested-out nursery? THEY? They who are younger than me or "less responsible" than me, or "less faithful" than me...THEY get a nice new house? THIS? This is how much we're supposed to pay to NOT be in a house and throwing rent money down the drain? This is your promise of blessing for us? Our crossing of the Jordan miraculous moment? It doesn't feel so...miraculous.

I may have mentioned this before, but man...I've never so closely identified with the whining children of Israel. Back in Egypt we had a swimming pool right across the street! And neighborhood friends for the kids! Enough kitchen cabinets to hold all our stuff! And a walk-in closet! Manna...again?!

Questions led to complaining. Complaining led to doubts. Doubts led to frustration. Frustration led to anger. Anger led to apathy. And after apathy? Well...

I wanted to quit.

Not quit my job. Not quit my marriage or my family. I wanted to quit this whole Jesus thing. This whole faith thing.

For the first time in my life I actually had to wrestle with doubt. I mean really wrestle. I had never used the term "crisis-of-faith" to describe any juncture of my life. But that's where I was. Distant. Cold. Apathetic. Showing up to church on Sunday and not even being able (or wanting) to sing the words on the screen for the most part. Hurt. Feeling betrayed. It wasn't that I didn't love God, I didn't even LIKE God.

But a pivotal moment came several months ago as I'm preparing to teach a class on the life of Jesus at the college (yeah, God was STILL using me to lead others even when I was at a low point myself--cause if He can't use jacked up people...who's left?). I was teaching on John chapter 6 where Jesus has just fed 5,000 men. The crowd rallies around Jesus to make Him their king, but Jesus says in no uncertain terms what it will take to actually follow Him and the crowd promptly disperses. So Jesus looks at Peter and asks, "You, too? Wanna jump ship and bail on me, Peter?"
To which Peter in essence replies, "If not You...who? If not this...what? You've got everything I actually need."

That line of questioning revealed my rock bottom moment.

Because I had found it easy to complain about how bad our circumstances were, or how unfair God was being, or how I deserved more or at the least better...until I had to consider the alternative. If I'm not following Jesus...who am I following? What am I putting my hope in? Who or what could really...truly bring me joy and satisfaction that at my core I know can only be found in Jesus? I may not like my situation...but it's better than any alternative I can think of.

I won't say that since then things have been perfect. Or that I have all the answers to my questions. But there's been a gradual increase in peace and contentment. A shift in perspective. A change in desires at a fundamental level.

If you asked me on move-in day back in early December 2016 what my primary goal was, it would have been to get out of the apartment as soon as possible. I didn't really even want to put anything up on the walls (and may not have except that we were running out of room in our tiny little storage unit). Several weeks ago, however, I made a list of the things I want, and a house ranked 7th. No question it's still a desire of my heart...it's just taken a back seat to things of greater worth.

This, to me, is the gold behind Ephesians 3:20. Not that when it says God can do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine it means that if I can imagine a 4 bedroom, craftsman style, split-master house with a bonus room in the right neighborhood close to the boys' schools that God can turn around and give us a 5(!) bedroom house. And that under the carpet there's original oak floors and behind the wallpaper there's #shiplap--immeasurably more! It's about Him loving me in unimaginably big ways even when I couldn't imagine what He was up to. It's about Him removing from me the things I had imagined were what I really wanted and replacing them with things that actually bring about hope and life. It's about Him bringing me to the end of me to increase my capacity for more of Him.

20-21 God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. (MSG)

So I don't have immeasurably more house right now (certainly not in my closet!). I don't have immeasurably more in my bank account (because I can imagine a lot!). I don't even have immeasurably more answers about what to do next. But I'm gaining immeasurably more peace and understanding. I'm gaining immeasurably more freedom. I'm gaining immeasurably more passion. I'm gaining immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine.

And it's taken a while to get there (or awhile...you grammar nerds can work that out amongst yourselves).

But in the course of this long season, this quote from John Wood Oman has reverberated to my core:
"To deliver the soul from the sin which is its ruin and bestow on it the holiness which is its health and peace, is the end of all God's dealings with his children; and precisely because he cannot merely impose, but must enable us to attain it ourselves, if we are to really have the liberty of His children, the way He must take is long and arduous."

The long game.

Kinda like the 40-year wandering Israelites I've been so readily able to identify with.

4 For everything that was written in the past [including that story about the wandering Israelites] was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope. (Romans 15:4 NIV)

Hope that I now have. Hope that I will actually be able to quit this year--to quit walking in fear and doubt. Quit walking in bondage to the number in our savings account. Quit wondering if He's actually good enough or strong enough or even paying attention to our situation.

And as far as our housing situation goes...I definitely still feel like we're still wandering in the wilderness (we just re-upped our apartment lease for another year a few weeks ago). Surviving on manna. Believing there is a land (house) that has been promised to us on the other side of the desert. But I'm looking to follow the cloud by day and fire by night and see where He takes us rather than striving for solutions on my own.

2-6 This is the way God put it:

“They found grace out in the desert,
  these people who survived the killing.
Israel, out looking for a place to rest,
  met God out looking for them!”
God told them, “I’ve never quit loving you and never will.
  Expect love, love, and more love!
And so now I’ll start over with you and build you up again,
  dear virgin Israel.
You’ll resume your singing,
  grabbing tambourines and joining the dance.
You’ll go back to your old work of planting vineyards
  on the Samaritan hillsides,
And sit back and enjoy the fruit—
  oh, how you’ll enjoy those harvests!
The time’s coming when watchmen will call out
  from the hilltops of Ephraim:
‘On your feet! Let’s go to Zion,
  go to meet our God!’” (Jeremiah 31:2-6 MSG)

Chapter 6 - Faking My Faith and Feeling All The Feels

Today I'm getting really vulnerable and letting you in on the harder parts of this journey. This year has been hard. It's  been filled with emotions. It's been battling through those emotions and wrestling down my actual faith to find joy in the hard times. I'm not talking about this beautiful baby whose name literally means "Brings Joy". I'm talking about in life, in the hard things, in the emotions. This little baby brings lots of laughs and love into our home, but she doesn't put money in the bank account and she doesn't help us find a house we can afford. She does quite the opposite, and if I'm really honest and vulnerable I've resented that a little...and then there's the loads of guilt that come just for thinking that. But she's cute and she's wonderful, so I push those emotions aside and choose joy.

"Rejoice in the Lord always! I say it again, rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4) The Bible tells us to rejoice 216 times. Paul even says to rejoice in our suffering. In our house we use the phrase "Choose Joy!" when things don't go our way, or we are upset about something. We step back, look at the big picture, remembering we still have LOTS to be thankful for, and decide we can choose joy. I just never realized it's a faith step, not a way to control your emotions.

That's actually what I've always done. I've just pushed those hard and not so fun to deal with emotions to the side so the joy could win out, but it's been a hard year. I don't want to admit it's been a hard year, but I don't want to fake it any more. When I step back to look at the big picture I have struggled to find what it is I'm thankful for. Like I said, this precious cuddly baby brought with it resentment and guilt, so if that sweet smile couldn't help me wholeheartedly choose joy what would?

Faith is my strength, my spiritual gift, and it seemed as though it had run out. Choosing joy was an act of faith, but I had not realized that's ultimately what I was doing, because it always came easy. Then God said quit your job, sell your house...all of which we've done before and He's always come through, but this time it's different. This time it did't go as I expected. This time I obeyed and put myself and my family in a position where if he didn't come through, we wouldn't be able to make it...that's big faith, right? Well, we set it up, step by step we've followed what he told us to do, we took a leap of faith, and it's felt a lot like this...

When I first caught  this on video I laughed until I almost peed my pants. (I was 9 months pregnant at the time.) However, at some point later that night, about the 100th time I watched it, my laughter turned into tears as I realized that's how I felt about our leap of faith. We took the leap for me to quit my job 2 years ago. We did as he said and took a big leap as we sold our house not knowing what was next. We anticipated our miracle. We watched and waited for the expected "what only God can do" end to our story, but it didn't come. The week before we closed on our house last December, we went out and rented the cheapest apartment we could find, only to be paying the same amount we would have been paying to stay in our beautiful home. Not only did it not make sense, but it hurt.

As I watched that video that night after everyone had gone to bed, I began to realize the reason the emotions had been so hard to control and simply choose joy was because I felt like God was the one who let me down. I couldn't simply push those feelings aside and choose joy. That was an act of faith, and my faith was jarred. To choose joy now was to fake my faith, and I felt it. I felt fake.

I felt fake in my quiet times, I felt fake in my answer to people when they asked "how are you?". I felt fake in my response to people as they made comments like "aren't you just loving being a girl mom?" I've never had to fake it before. I've always just believed God and taken him at his word, but how do I do that now when I feel like he pulled the ground out from under me?

Well, I can't say there's a formula for that, and I can't say I've done it well. What I can say is I've stopped pushing the feelings aside, and I've laid them all out before God. I've fought my way through them. I've felt a little like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum, and even at times a teenager fighting for my independence. Then there are the moments that I feel like a scared and sad little girl curling up in her daddy's lap to cry it out and try to gain understanding. I can say I relate to all the seemingly wishy-washy Psalms of David as he lashes out to God in the same breath as he states the truth about who he knows God to be. Although I have felt like I've had to fake my faith. I have never doubted who God is. Knowing he could simply answer all my questions with Isaiah 55:9 "my ways are higher than your ways..." I fought to understand what it is I actually believe through all the feelings.

It all comes down to this...My God didn't fail me. My faith didn't even fail me. My expectations did. Every time I've taken big steps of faith God has answered how I expected. This time he is doing immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine; it just looks different than I expected.

A few months ago I was singing worship songs to the Lord and I realized in all this emotion I've been waging war against my faith with, I was singing the words, but I wasn't feeling it wholeheartedly. I felt sad and repentant that I haven't been filled with faith during this season, that I, in fact, have been faith-less in the aftermath of my emotions and struggled to see all the things I have to actually be thankful for and choose joy. It was in the quiet moment between me and my Father where I simply heard him say, "Take the space you need. Feel it all out. I'm not upset about it. I am here. I am still at work.I love you more than you will ever be able to understand."

Fighting my way through these feelings has been one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I'm picking myself up again and holding tight to my faith. I'm still working on removing my expectations, but I'm learning to hope again, not in what God can do for me, but in HIM ALONE.

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13

Choose Joy! 

...as an act of faith, not as a way to control your emotions. 

No plan of mine ever lead to this...

A break in the story of our journey to tell you this quick little note.

I sat and held my precious baby girl the other day and just wept with the thought, "no plan of mine ever lead to this."

Man, isn't that the truth behind Ephesians 3:20, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

I stared at that face through watery eyes and for a few minutes thought through all the things I had imagined on this journey; for ministry, family, goals...paths I had laid out in my head, even though God told me not to, and not a single one of them EVER had me snuggling another newborn baby in my arms.

In that precious moment of revelation, I heard the sweet, gentle voice of the Lord say to me. "If following me one step at a time got you to here, you can trust me that the unknown steps ahead of you will lead to another beautiful moment you can't come up with on your own."

Another message of trust. Another way the Lord has so gently told me to trust him as I follow after him wholeheartedly only knowing the one next step in front of me. Sometimes those steps are simple (call that girl you don't know and ask her to coffee) and sometimes they feel like giant leaps of faith (quit your job, move halfway across the country, quit another job, sell your house...).

I don't know what my 5 year plan is, or what I want my life to look like in 10 years (or even what we will do when our lease is up in July). I do know today I am called to SEEK, SERVE and LOVE.

1. SEEK His face
2. SERVE my family well
3. LOVE the people in front of me

Each day can be difficult to determine what steps to take, so for now this is my guide, my filter as I prioritize and plan. And I look forward to another day, somewhere down an unexpected path, that I can joyfully say "no plan of mine ever lead to this."

Chapter 5 - What Do I Want?

I have battled with this question for a couple weeks now. I want to stay in my house. I want to have Christmas here. I want to not be deciding which belongings make the cut for our new space when it is less than half the size. I want to know why we are doing all of this to end up spending the same amount each month as we would have on our house. 

But more than any of that I want what God wants more than I want what I want. I know we are right where we are because each step has been taken in obedience to His direction. What I don't know is why it has been so hard to actually live that out, when that's been the cry of my heart for most of my adult life. 

I think there are 2 reasons why it's been so hard. The first is because I'm not just moving out of my house. I'm having to let go of my dreams. I've tried to fight the battle in my head and keep perspective that it's just a house, and have been frustrated over my emotional state. However, to me it's not just a house...its the place I've gotten to live out what I've always hoped life would look like when I became a wife and mom: The kids run around and play with friends in the neighborhood, we walk across the street to play at the pool, I can stand at my kitchen sink and watch the nerf wars in the back yard while washing dishes. I have space to sit quietly with God and space to spread out craft projects. It's the place I'm actually living out my dreams. 

I'm not moving because we've made poor choices, gotten in over our heads and lost our home or have had to declare bankruptcy. We have simply taken each step the Lord has asked, no matter if it made sense to us or looked like what we thought it should look like. 

Which leads to the second reason this is so hard. I know what God is capable of, and he's not doing what I know he can. 

I know God is a promise maker and a promise keeper. I know he can move the mountains, calm storms and raise the dead. So, I've questioned him on why he's not providing a different scenario for us. 

• Abraham got a replacement sacrifice. 
• Daniel came out of the lions den.
• Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire. 
• Joshua got to see the sun stand still in the sky. 
• Mary and Martha got to see their dead brother come out of the tomb. 

I believe with my whole heart he is capable of doing something miraculous for us too. But what I've never seen so clearly is the cost before the miracle. Abraham walked a three day journey, tied down his son, and had to raise the knife. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had to physically walk into the fire. Mary and Martha had to watch Lazarus die and be buried before Jesus showed up. It was never Jesus' intention for them to hurt when he chose to not show up like they requested. It was his intention to do something even greater than they knew was possible. 

These people all trusted God enough to make statements like, "but even if..." They were willing to give it all for obedience to the Lord. They went through the tough times in faith before they saw the Lord come through. I believe these people all wanted what God wanted more than what they wanted.

“If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭16:25‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I lay down my life for him and what he has for us. It's just a lot harder to actually live it out than I expected. 

I am thankful that my cost is simply my house and the dreams I had anticipated living out there. I still have my family. We will still be the same people doing most of the same things, just in a different place. However emotional that is, I still say I want what God wants more than I want what I want, and I look towards our future filled with hope that he is going to show up with our "immeasurably more," knowing that his plans are better than any dreams I could have come up with on my own. 

Chapter 4 - I Can Relate

I realized the other day that this season - this one, the one that has been so hard, so filled with uncertainty, so stretching - is actually an answer to prayer. 

You know how people say "don't pray for patience!" because then you wind up being in situations where you have to practice patience more than you want to? I think it's kind of like that with a desire for a deep, genuine faith.

I have wholeheartedly, for many years, asked the Lord to give me faith like the people I have read about in the Bible. I want to be willing to say yes to God no matter what he asks of me, like when he asks Abraham to give back the greatest gift he'd ever received - meaning he was willing to sacrifice his own son. I want to have that kind of faith. Or for Abraham to simply go, leave his homeland not knowing where he was going next. That kind of faith. Or when Moses stands surrounded by nothing but impossible situations and confidently tells all the people God will rescue them. Or when Joseph continues to give God his very best even when his circumstances go from bad to worse. Or even when God tells Mary he's going to miraculously make her pregnant with his own son, and her response is simply, let it be as you have said... These stories just make me cry out "Lord, let me take you at your word and be willing to obey at every step, even when I don't understand or know how things will turn out, like these examples have done." That kind of faith. 

But this season continues to teach me what that kind of faith actually requires.

From the time I was a teenager and I gave my life to Jesus, I have read about these people in the Bible and asked questions about what they must have felt. What fears did they have? How did they work through those fears to be obedient? What did it look like for them to go when God had not told them where? How did they even know what God wanted them to do in the first place? What did their interactions with Him look like? How did they get to the place where they could have those interactions? 

I wanted to be able to relate to what they experienced and become as much like them in their faith as I possibly could, which lead to the biggest question of all: what would I do if I found myself in their story? Would I have the faith to take the steps they took if I found myself in situations where I experienced what it was like to walk in their shoes? 

I'm beginning to see just how their shoes fit.

I feel like I can relate to Abraham's story of packing up and leaving his homeland as 5 years ago God asked us to quit our jobs and then he would tell us where to go next. (Wrote about it here) I, on many occasions, have felt like I have found myself in the impossible stories of Moses when we have followed God to circumstances where obedience to what He was asking us to do might seem like we were simply making unwise choices (It's hard to be willing to fool-y surrender)--like me stepping off staff last year. And even now by selling our house, but not knowing where we're supposed to go next.

What I've found is that it's great to ask God for big faith - to aspire to live as the people in these stories have lived - until you realize that to grow your faith you must stretch it. And that often the steps of faith moving forward are greater (more difficult) than the last one. Now I'm not comparing myself to the people in the Bible or saying that I possess a faith like them, but what I feel like I can say is I can relate. I feel like I can answer some of the questions of what I would do if that was me in their stories because I feel like I've been there.

Most recently, I feel like I've been walking in Mary's shoes. I can picture myself in her story. Maybe she handled her emotions more gracefully than I have, but heading into Christmas, leaving my home, and an unplanned pregnancy...I can relate. 

I've thought a lot about what she must have been feeling and what she might have expected things to look like along the way in her journey. I am sure, like any nesting pregnant woman, Mary did everything she could think of to be fully prepared to deliver her baby when she got to Bethlehem. To have a plan and a desire to make sure everything would be ok. 

We, too, have that desire. To have a plan and be fully prepared for what's ahead. We are working really hard to find the right next step, knowing that God is at work in ways we can't even imagine on our behalf. We're tilling and planting and sowing...begging God to bring the rain. We're doing the things that only we can do and asking God to do what only He can do. And it is absolutely stretching and growing our faith, as it unquestionably did Mary's.

We joke about being homeless for Christmas (In case you missed it, we sold our house, closing December 15th) and I have cried more than I want to admit through this whole process of letting go. However, what I now realize is that even this crazy difficult part of our journey is an answer to so many prayers for faith like the heroes in the Bible I've looked to as an example for so many years. I'm excited and even grateful for this season because I want to be able to relate to what was spoken of Mary in Luke 1:45 saying "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said." I want that kind of faith.  

As hard as it is to be vulnerable and put our story out there for all to see, we write when God says to write in the midst of our uncertainty not to make you feel sorry for us or to make our situation seem desperate, but to reveal God's glory. Because we don't know what's coming next, we can't take any credit. We are trusting him at all costs, and doing our best (albeit imperfectly) to be obedient with every step of faith he gives. We want to relate. And it's been stretching. We truly don't know what tomorrow holds, but we know we can hold tight to the promises God has made to us personally, and to all of us through the Bible, knowing that he will do what he says he will do. We hope that by sharing our journey with you that you can relate, are encouraged to grow your faith, and that God gets all the glory. 

Christmas Bonus - In honor of how I feel like I can relate to Mary during this particular "homeless for Christmas" situation. I have decided to do a different kind of countdown to Christmas with our family this year. I have written daily devotionals for our family to do together each day leading up to Christmas. It is a Countdown to Christmas Through the Eyes of Mary. We will use it to focus our hearts on Jesus during this season and as a tool to discuss how it all relates to our daily lives. I have posted it on the blog if you want to do it with us! (Rest assured you don't have to be pregnant or moving for it to apply to your life.)

You can also click here to request an email with the daily devotionals formatted onto small cards to print out. We will hang them on our portable tree for a visual countdown to Christmas and reminder to pull it off and read it together at some point in the day. (Check Social Media for pictures coming soon.)

A Countdown to Christmas Through the Eyes of Mary

Welcome to December 2016!! This year I'm changing things up a bit at our house and wrote these daily devotionals for our family to walk through each day in December. I figured if I was gonna write them, I might as well share them. If you missed the blog post about the heart behind this particular version of devotions, "Through the eyes of Mary," you can check it out here. You can do the devotions straight from the blog, or click here to request a printable version formatted to a daily card. (It's not pretty, but you can glue them onto something pretty.) 

Last, if you missed the start of these on December 1st (since I didn't even get it posted until the 2nd) you can still join in. They are quick and easy to do, just pick up or catch up and have some fun with your family preparing your hearts for Christmas this year with the lessons we can learn from Mary's view of Christmas!

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24 Days til Christmas (December 1st)

     A Promise is Made - Read Psalm 132:11-12

•  What promise did God make to David here? 
•  What did they call this king that they hoped would come?
•  What is true about God's promises?
•  What are some promises He's made to you?

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23 Days til Christmas (December 2nd)

     God Has a Plan - Read Luke 3:23-31

• How long before it happened, did God put this plan in place? (take a glance at Luke 3:32-38 as you discuss)
• Did you know there was a long period of waiting for the Messiah where they never heard anything from the Lord? 
• Have you ever waited a really long time for something? How hard was it to wait?

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22 Days til Christmas (December 3rd)

     God Picked Mary - Read Luke 1:26-33

• Of all the people in the family from David to Mary and Joseph, why did God select Mary?
• What do you think Mary might have done to find favor with God? 
• What can we do to find favor with God? (Discuss how it is about our heart and love for Him, not the actions that we do.)

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21 Days til Christmas (December 4th)

     How Could This Be? - Read Luke 1:34-37

• Mary didn't understand how this was even going to happen, it seemed impossible to her. Did God answer her question? (Don't be scared of the How did she get pregnant questions. You can simply focus on the fact that God explained He was going to make it happen, and the ending where it says nothing is impossible with God.)
• How does God answer us when we don't understand what's happening? (Any examples from your own life to share?)

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20 Days til Christmas (December 5th)

     Mary's Response of Obedience - Read Luke 1:38

• What do you think Mary might have been thinking about all of this? 
• What did she choose to do? 
• What are some times that you've not really wanted to obey something you were told, but chose to anyway?

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19 Days til Christmas (December 6th)

     A Confirmation - Read Luke 1:39-45

• What did God do for Mary in this part of the story? (Talk about the importance of community, especially community that understands and believes God too. God gave Mary a confirmation, through another person, that He really was going to do what He said he was going to do at a time when she could have been feeling lots of different emotions.)
• God is a loving a gracious God to do this for us. What are some ways you've seen God do that in your own life?

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18 Days til Christmas (December 7th)

     A Song of Praise - Read Luke 1:46-55

• What was Mary's reaction to Elizabeth's confirmation? 
• The Bible says this was Mary's "Song of Praise", what does her song tell you about what Mary believes? (Talk about some of the details she praises God for, and how they are an indication of what she believes about God. Maybe make up a song of praise about things your family believes about God.)

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17 Days til Christmas (December 8th)

     Leaving Home - Read Luke 2:1-5

• Mary is "obviously pregnant", which means she has a big belly and is probably very uncomfortable. It was likely a journey that could take 4-10 days of walking/riding on a donkey depending on the weather and what route they took. What do you think Mary was feeling? (What do you think got her through those feelings?)
• How do you feel about leaving your home at Christmas? (What can we do to get through those feelings?) - Note: This one is for us and our situation, feel free to talk about what it would feel like if you are not currently leaving your home. :)

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16 Days til Christmas (December 9th)

     What do you mean there are no rooms? - Read Luke 2:6-7

• Mary knew this baby was the long awaited Messiah we talked about at the beginning of December, and she would have known the prophecies about the Messiah being born in Bethlehem. She could have anticipated a trip, but what expectations do you think she might have had for giving birth to Jesus, the savior and king, in Bethlehem? 
• What are some of your expectations about what God is doing in our lives right now? (Talk about how His plan may be different than our expectation and how we can respond to that)

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15 Days til Christmas (December 10th)

     The Savior is Born - Read Luke 2:8-14

• This is what we celebrate at Christmas! The Messiah was born. The celebration started that very same night when the Angels appeared to the shepherds exclaiming God had fulfilled his promise to send a Messiah, A Savior! What things does your family do to celebrate Christmas each year? (Talk about some of your favorite Christmas activities. If they relate to Jesus's birth, talk through that and explain why you do those things as a family.)

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14 Days til Christmas (December 11th)

     Taking it to heart - Read Luke 2:15-20

• Verse 18 says "All who heard the shepherds' story were astonished". Why were they astonished? (Everything happened just as the angels told them it would.)
• Verse 19 says "but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often." Why do you think Mary's response was different? (Talk about how she already knew Jesus was the Messiah and how she must have remembered it often as a reminder that God did what He said he was going to do.)
• What are some times we have seen God do what He said he was going to do? And how have we used those as reminders during more difficult times?

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13 Days til Christmas (December 12th)

     Right where you need to be - Read Luke 2:25-32

• Who was Simeon and why was he at the Temple the same day as Mary and Joseph? (Talk about listening to God and doing what He says. It's when we are obedient, even in the little things that God puts us right where we need to be.)

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12 Days til Christmas (December 13th)

     Hard News to Hear - Read Luke 2:33-35

• What did Simeon mean when he said "A sword will pierce your very soul"? (Talk about what is to happen to Jesus on the cross, and how that might make Mary feel. You can also talk about the expectations that many had for the Messiah to be a king who lead the people physically, instead of dying on the cross)
• Why do you think Simeon would say that to Mary? (You can talk about how Jesus, as an adult tried to tell his disciples about it too, to prepare them for the hurt they were going to experience. God always prepares our hearts when he knows there are hard times coming for us. Share any stories you may have of how God has done that in your life.)

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11 Days til Christmas (December 14th)

     Visitors from the East - Read Matthew 2:1-11

• Why did these men follow the star to find Jesus? 
• What did they bring to him?
• How far would you go to bring gifts to someone? Would you go out of your way to be generous to others? 
• What's something you can do for someone this Christmas that might be unexpected, but would help them celebrate Christmas better?

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10 Days til Christmas (December 15th)

     God's Protection - Read Matthew 2:12-14

• What did God do to protect Jesus from Herod?
• What part did Mary and Joseph play in this plan? (Talk about how God works to protect us, how obedience is an important part of that plan...what if Mary and Joseph had not been obedient. Share with your children how you listen to God and do what He says so they can be safe and experience the Life that God has for them.)

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9 Days til Christmas (December 16th)

     Even the Best of Moms - Read Luke 2:41-48

• Mary was picked to be the mother of Jesus and even she wasn't perfect. We do the best job we can do to parent you, but we are not perfect either. We have made mistakes and will make more. What can we each do when mom and dad make a mistake? (Talk through what some examples may be of a parent making a mistake, maybe it's losing our temper. Walk through taking responsibility and asking for forgiveness, and how we all want to act that way towards each other, but we as parents want to set the example in that. This might be a good opportunity to ask for forgiveness if there are any current mistakes that have not been addressed. Keep it positive, but use this time to talk through how to love each other well, even through mistakes.)

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8 Days til Christmas (December 17th)

     A Mother's Heart - Read Luke 2:51-52

• This is the most information we are given about Mary as a mother from the time Jesus was a boy to the time he was a grown man. Why do you think it was important for her to "store all these things in her heart"?
• Why do you think we take so many pictures of you? (We want to remember every moment we can, just like Jesus grew up, you also grow up, and moms and dads just want to remember as many of the precious moments of your life as possible. I assure you if Mary had a camera in her pocket everywhere she went, she would have taken lots of pictures too!)

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7 Days til Christmas (December 18th)

     Every Parent's Prayer - Read Luke 2:39-40

• Do you know this is what we want for you? (Talk to your child about your hopes for their future, no matter what they do when they grow up, we hope for these things that are described of Jesus' growing up will also be true for them. I pray each of my kids grow up healthy and strong and that God fills them with wisdom and that His favor is on them.)

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6 Days til Christmas (December 19th)

     Jesus' First Miracle - Read John 2:1-11

• What made Jesus decide to do this miracle? (He was honoring his mother.)
• Ephesians 6:1-3 tells us to honor our Father and Mother. What does it look like for you to honor your father and mother? 

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5 Days til Christmas (December 20th)

     A Proud Mom - Read John 21:25

• Mary must have been very proud of all the things that Jesus did. How many miracles can you think of that Jesus performed? (If time allows, take the time to look up and read in the Bible each miracle recited...feel free to use google if you don't know the scripture reference)

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4 Days til Christmas (December 21st)

     A Different Plan for the King -Read John 19:14-24

• What did Mary and the disciples expect Jesus' Kingdom to look like? 
• What do you think they felt when Jesus was sentenced to die on the cross?

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3 Days til Christmas (December 22nd)

     Concerned For Mom - Read John 19:25-27

• Mary must have been devastated to watch Jesus be put on the cross. Do you remember what Simeon said to her when Jesus was a baby? (Luke 2:35 - "A sword will pierce your very soul" Talk through how this is what God was preparing her for because He knew all along this is what would happen.)
• How loving was Jesus to make sure his mother was taken care of even while he was dying? (God was loving in trying to prepare her heart many years before and Jesus was loving to make sure she was taken care of...this is how God and Jesus still treat us today.) 

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2 Days til Christmas (December 23rd)

     He's Alive!!! - Read Luke 24:1-9

• Does Jesus' story end with him in the tomb?
• Why does it make Christmas even more special to read all the way through to this part of his story, and not just his birth? 

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1 Day til Christmas (December 24th)

     There's Always Hope - Read Hebrews 6:18-19a

• Do you think Mary had hope when she saw Jesus raised from the dead?
• We can have hope too! Because God raised Jesus from the dead, we know that God keeps his promises and we can go to him for help when we are in trouble. 

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Merry Christmas (December 25th)

     The Greatest Gift of All - Read John 3:16

• Why do we give gifts at Christmas? (To celebrate Jesus' Birthday) 
• Did you know that his birth was actually the greatest gift of all time? 
• Do you know that the best gift you can give to God at Christmas is you? (If you choose, you can talk through the gospel with your child, and share what it means to have a relationship with Jesus that results in eternal life. There are lots of great tools online for sharing the gospel with kids, but here is one I liked. http://centrikid.com/2013/02/04/gospel-with-kids-poster/ Or if your children already have a relationship with the Lord, you can talk about what it looks like to continually give yourself to God, following him daily).

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Thanks so much for joining our family on this Countdown To Christmas Through the Eyes of Mary! We hope this brings many great Jesus focused conversations as you prepare your family to celebrate together. We wish you a Very Merry Christmas!!! 

Chapter 3 - One Step at a Time

"Put your house on the market" and "sell your house" are two different things.

Earlier this summer when the Lord told us to "put your house on the market" I knew it would be hard, but I could still be obedient and hold out hope that I could stay in my house. I could pray and ask Him to do a miracle and provide a way for us to still live here, all the while, being obedient to do what those specific words said. 

I love this house. I love this neighborhood. I love the friends my kids have made. And although sometimes it can be annoying how often our doorbell rings, each time it's kids asking for Cooper and Maddox to come out and play. We have some of our dearest friends just down the street in our neighborhood. Did I mention we live, quite literally, across the street from the pool? We love this place!

This house has been such a blessing! I have loved every day we've gotten to live here. I have sat in the chair in the office that became my quiet time chair watching out the front window as families walk their dogs and kids ride by on bikes and thanked Him almost daily for 3 years straight. So, when He asked me to quit my job and the idea of not being able to stay in this house became a real idea, it also became a real struggle. I know that this house was a gift from the Lord, but from the moment He gave it to us He asked that I never put this house above what He asks me to do. 

Fast forward 3 years and here we are, with the house on the market. I have said the words "I want what you want more than I want what I want," but I was really hoping I wouldn't have to actually follow through. Thursday night when negotiations on an offer were getting close enough that we really didn't have any reason to say no, I was heartbroken. I wasn't ready. To this point I could just hold out and watch as we were obedient to what He had said, but could stay comfortably in our home we love waiting to see what miracle He was going to do. This emotional tail-spin lead to us both seeking the Lord to really do what He wanted, and, fortunately, at that time it was to say no. (You can see the ins and outs of getting to that decision in my last post.) I was relieved when we came to that decision together and immediately started realizing just how much better it would be to stay in the house until next Spring. It would be financially very difficult, but I knew that if it was what God wanted He would provide. I mean, this is near school for Cooper, I could bring the baby home to this house (having room for all the people who will come to town), give us time to get settled and then put the house back on the market in the spring, when it would sell better anyway. I began asking God if we could do that, but still wholeheartedly telling Him I want this, but I want what you want more than I want this. 

True to what he taught us in Crossing the River, we are to ask Him for direction and it is in His presence that we get the answers for each step. I spent the weekend asking God if we could just take it off the market until spring. (I, of course, told Him all the reasons this was the best idea.) Sitting in church Sunday Kaleb preached an incredible message and I knew immediately what God's answer was to this question when Kaleb read Matthew 21:25, "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it." I knew in that moment God changed his wording from "put it on the market" to, "sell your house." As much as I wanted to believe my plan had to be better, I knew He was asking me to give up my life (my plan) for His, to give over my desires in exchange for his plan, regardless of what that plan looks like. (Not to mention I haven't gotten to see that plan to know if I will like it better. Haha!-Once a control freak, always a control freak.)

I knew that meant we were gonna have an offer soon and this time we couldn't say no and still be obedient. He said "sell." 

That was the same Sunday we had 3 more showings in one day, but the crazy thing is the offer we are getting ready to sign today is actually from the guy we said no to last week. Not much has changed, except I asked and the Lord gave clear direction. So, today, with no idea what's next and how it will all turn out, I trust Him, His plan, His timing, His provisions, and we are officially selling the house. 

We have absolutely no idea where we will be for Christmas, where we will bring this baby girl home to, but we are confident He will give us those steps as well. May I always want what He wants more than what I want and actually be willing to follow through. I can't wait to see what He has in store...one step at a time!