Chapter 5 - What Do I Want?

I have battled with this question for a couple weeks now. I want to stay in my house. I want to have Christmas here. I want to not be deciding which belongings make the cut for our new space when it is less than half the size. I want to know why we are doing all of this to end up spending the same amount each month as we would have on our house. 

But more than any of that I want what God wants more than I want what I want. I know we are right where we are because each step has been taken in obedience to His direction. What I don't know is why it has been so hard to actually live that out, when that's been the cry of my heart for most of my adult life. 

I think there are 2 reasons why it's been so hard. The first is because I'm not just moving out of my house. I'm having to let go of my dreams. I've tried to fight the battle in my head and keep perspective that it's just a house, and have been frustrated over my emotional state. However, to me it's not just a house...its the place I've gotten to live out what I've always hoped life would look like when I became a wife and mom: The kids run around and play with friends in the neighborhood, we walk across the street to play at the pool, I can stand at my kitchen sink and watch the nerf wars in the back yard while washing dishes. I have space to sit quietly with God and space to spread out craft projects. It's the place I'm actually living out my dreams. 

I'm not moving because we've made poor choices, gotten in over our heads and lost our home or have had to declare bankruptcy. We have simply taken each step the Lord has asked, no matter if it made sense to us or looked like what we thought it should look like. 

Which leads to the second reason this is so hard. I know what God is capable of, and he's not doing what I know he can. 

I know God is a promise maker and a promise keeper. I know he can move the mountains, calm storms and raise the dead. So, I've questioned him on why he's not providing a different scenario for us. 

• Abraham got a replacement sacrifice. 
• Daniel came out of the lions den.
• Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire. 
• Joshua got to see the sun stand still in the sky. 
• Mary and Martha got to see their dead brother come out of the tomb. 

I believe with my whole heart he is capable of doing something miraculous for us too. But what I've never seen so clearly is the cost before the miracle. Abraham walked a three day journey, tied down his son, and had to raise the knife. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had to physically walk into the fire. Mary and Martha had to watch Lazarus die and be buried before Jesus showed up. It was never Jesus' intention for them to hurt when he chose to not show up like they requested. It was his intention to do something even greater than they knew was possible. 

These people all trusted God enough to make statements like, "but even if..." They were willing to give it all for obedience to the Lord. They went through the tough times in faith before they saw the Lord come through. I believe these people all wanted what God wanted more than what they wanted.

“If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭16:25‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I lay down my life for him and what he has for us. It's just a lot harder to actually live it out than I expected. 

I am thankful that my cost is simply my house and the dreams I had anticipated living out there. I still have my family. We will still be the same people doing most of the same things, just in a different place. However emotional that is, I still say I want what God wants more than I want what I want, and I look towards our future filled with hope that he is going to show up with our "immeasurably more," knowing that his plans are better than any dreams I could have come up with on my own.