Hindsight in 2020

 All I’ve been able to think about as I’ve started this new year is that I need to stop and look back. I can’t get the phrase “Hindsight is 20/20” out of my mind. I can look back over the last couple years of our journey and see with so much more clarity what the Lord was doing...not just doing for us, but more importantly, doing in us.

With this idea of looking back and recognizing those lessons, I am planning to write about them in this series called Hindsight in 2020. Maybe what I learned can benefit someone else, if not, writing it out will certainly help me remember and process each of those lessons. So, today I’ll start with the most recent revelation.

Remember back in November of 2018 when we thought we found the house we were supposed to have and did our own modern day Jericho march? I posted about it on social media. The short story is the seller did not accept our offer, but we really believed the Lord directed us to that house. We were reading about the Israelite's journey through the wilderness into the promised land and felt God said to do a Jericho walk. We drove or walked through the neighborhood praying over the house, the neighborhood, and God’s plan for us once a day for 7 days, and on the 7th day we did 7 laps blowing “horns” and shouting. It was fun and heartfelt, but it was also scary to think that God’s plan may not include giving us that house, then what have I taught my children.

Well, clearly that was not God’s plan and I’ve questioned why God said to do it if he knew he wasn’t going to give us that house. We still have some of those “horns” and whistles around the house and I’ve often looked at them and felt foolish. What did I teach my kids about God in that moment? I know I heard him say to do it, but it was pointless. We didn’t get that house, or the 5 others after it. The other day I picked one of those horns up off the floor in Harper’s room and thought to God “why did you have us do that?”

A couple days later we had some people over and Maddox heard PT telling someone a little of our journey and how this house was our 7th offer in a long journey of looking for a house. Maddox looked over at me and said, “mom, remember that Jericho house? It wasn’t 7 laps, it was 7 offers.”

Every time I think about him saying those words it brings tears to my eyes! I had not made that connection. Honestly, I’ve tried to block out the heartache that the 6 unsuccessful offers created. But Hindsight really is 20/20!

Sometimes God asks us to do things that don’t make sense. Even after the fact sometimes we don’t see it. I’ve fought thinking that my kids saw our faith as foolish, but because we took that bold step to make the Bible come alive in our situation, Maddox saw God’s faithfulness and truly understood that His faithfulness doesn’t always look like we expect.

God is so faithful! He’s faithful even when we are not. He’s faithful even when we can’t see it or feel it. It’s just who he is. If we’re not seeing Gods faithfulness it’s not because he’s not been faithful it’s because we can’t see with his clarity. It may simply look different than we expected.

If you are in a place where you can’t see God’s faithfulness don’t give up! It is there, it just may look different than what you are expecting. Ask the Lord to give you some Hindsight in 2020, so you can see him more clearly. He loves to reveal himself to his children. 

The Next Chapter

We bought a house! I haven’t shared much about that. Only the moving, the working, but not the house.

There’s a phrase I’ve used a lot over the last 3 years in this waiting season: “this is about so much more than a house.”

Wait...We sold a house 3 years ago this month, lived in an apartment while looking for a house, bought a house and moved into it. How was it not about a house, you ask...(ok, maybe you didn’t, but I sure did).

I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant at the time, but I knew it was the truth. I haven’t shared much about this house because I knew I needed to share about all the other things this journey was actually about, but I’ve still been processing so much of it myself.


You see the house that we sold was a precious gift from the Lord, one that was actually more than I even knew to ask him for. I would literately sit in my reading chair in the office and thank him over and over again for that house. One day there was a quiet whisper that said “don’t hold it so tight that you’re not willing to give it up if I ask.”


“Of course not, God. I would never choose this over you,” I said back to him that morning. Well, 3 years later when this journey started, he indeed asked me to let go of that house and trust him. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The physical aspect of it was that it was a house,  but what made it so (unexpectedly) hard was that it was really a journey of discovering so many things I had hidden in my heart.


I’ll try to summarize what I can see looking back over that 3 year journey of searching for a house (and walking away from everything before actually finding it)...


God rocked my world by letting me feel as though he had failed me when I followed every (very hard) step he asked of me and then he didn’t provide the miracle I was expecting in return. I cried many tears feeling like he was withholding from me all the things he could make happen in an instant. But I can look back now and see I needed to feel that way. I needed to be made completely out of control and reliant upon him for everything so much more than I needed a house at that time. I needed HIM to hold on to while I fought through those feelings and learned all the ways I didn’t actually trust him because,  up to this point in my life, he had always done what I expected.


He brought to light all the areas where I spoke truths I said I believed, then spent 3 years uprooting lies I buried deep underneath about who I am and what he thinks of me—things I had absolutely no idea were hidden there. He pulled all those things tucked deep in my heart to the surface and gave me space to work through them while continually reminding me he’s right here and he loves me. It allowed me the chance to take those things I said I believed and now let them permeate the spaces in my heart that were walled off. They could sink down deep and be the truths I now know and have experienced instead of just words I thought I believed simply because I believed them to be true.


I hope to spend time in the near future breaking down some of the things I’ve learned and share them with you. However, for now I will look forward and share that we have stepped into a new journey, a new ministry opportunity in a home where our hearts are more aligned together than before and our beliefs are now actual experiences with the Lord we know to be true because we’ve lived them. We can’t wait to get this house fixed up, get a giant dining table and fill it over and over with people we can share our journey with.


Our prayer over this next season and this new journey is from 2 Chronicles 6 when Solomon completed the temple and invited God’s presence to dwell there. Then he prayed:


“O my God, may your eyes be open and your ears attentive to all the prayers made to you in this place.” 2 Chronicles 6:40


This is our prayer as well, that the Lord’s presence fill this house and that all the prayers prayed in this place will be seen and heard by the Lord. That healing will take place, that lives would be changed, that hearts will soften and turn to Him.


This truly has been about so much more than a house and I can’t wait to experience the next chapter!


Also, I wanted to take a moment and express thank you to all those that have prayed with us, been generous to us and walked along side is during this journey. We love you so much and regularly thank the Lord for you!

With All Our Hearts
Bonnie & P.T.

The Blank White Space

Here we are on day 2 of this new year and I can’t stop thinking about the blank white space. Yesterday as I saw multiple posts about people setting goals and planning for the year ahead I wanted to do the same. I love a good plan! But honestly, as I thought more and more about it, something is different this year. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but this year feels different. It feels like I’ve had a peek behind the curtain, a better understanding of who God is makes you look at things a little differently. 

Over the years I’ve prayed for a specific word to hold onto for some years, other years I’ve halfheartedly set some goals I had more hope than will towards reaching. For some reason this year feels so different. Maybe it’s that I’m now 40, maybe it’s this crazy journey of blind faith the Lord has had us on, maybe it’s just new realizations of the depths of spiritual warfare going on all around me, maybe it’s just a better understanding of who I am this year. Whatever it is, probably all of it, it makes me stop and really evaluate what I want out of this year and how I will get there. 

However, I can’t get past the blank white space. I’ve learned this past year that fear has always been a big factor in my life, but the Lord wipes the slate clean by reminding me to trust. I’ve recognized I like to be in control and know what is ahead, yet the Lord has said, “follow me one step at a time”...blank white. I long for the Lord to show up and give us the next steps, provide miraculously in response to our blind faith, but he keeps reminding me my hope is in HIM, not what he does for us.
So, I sit down and think about the year ahead and I just keep coming back to the blank white space. I’ve learned a lot about my own response to goals and determination this past year and it’s an area I want to change and grow, but where do I start with the blank white space. 

I know the Lord is using this to draw something out of me, I’m just not there yet. Maybe it’s freedom. I’ve let go and laid down a lot over the last year, but I still like lines on my paper. I’ve never been comfortable with blank paper and a crayon in my hand. I like structure, I like the black lines on the paper to show me where to fill in. Give me a coloring sheet for goodness sake. Give me the notebook paper. I know it’s purpose. I get stuck when I don’t know the purpose, when I am not given the picture. When I’m told, just create anything, I freeze at the sight of the blank white space. 

That’s where I sit at the beginning of this new year, leaning in asking the Lord what the picture is going to look like, so I know how to fill it in, but he whispers back, “create anything”. With tears in my eyes I hand him all my fears and what ifs about how uncomfortable that makes me and he holds my face in his hands and says “don’t you know I can make anything beautiful darling?”

May this year bring a new found freedom to create unbridled joy!

Chapter 9 - Fighting Giants

This Summer marks 3 years since the Lord asked me to quit my job and a year and a half since we sold our home. I believe with my whole heart that God has a purpose for this season we've been in. I have seen it. I've seen him draw close and teach us things we would not have been ready to learn. I've seen him answering prayers I've prayed for a long time. It sure looks different than I expected, but he's working none the less. I've seen him use our experience to teach others. I've seen him set us free from things we didn't even realize were holding us back, and I've seen him begin to set a fire in us that I believe we will see the effects of not only for our lifetime, but in the lives of our kids as well.  

I believe God is preparing our hearts for our next step, and in so doing He has been using the giants the Israelites had to face as they entered the promised land to reveal to me that I have some giants of my own that I have to face as we move into the things the Lord has promised us. 

It all started as I read Numbers 13. You may know it as the promise land scouting trip. God leads Moses to send out 12 men, one from each tribe, to explore the land of Canaan. The twelve men go out and when they come back they report that the land is amazing. They explain, it's everything they thought it would be and more, but they also share with the whole community that "the people living there are powerful, and their towns are large and fortified. We even saw giants there, the descendants of Anak!" This was a big deal. The Anakites were so big and strong the people believed they were descendants of gods and they felt defeated before they even began their journey to the promise land. 

There are 3 things God showed me about giants.  The first is this:

1 . GIANTS STAND BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR PROMISED LAND.

The giants might not have been actual descendants of gods, but the truth is there were giants. They had actual, very large hurdles to face, making it hard to believe that they could ever experience what the Lord had promised. We also have giants of our own standing between us and living out/experiencing what God has promised us. 

But there's more to the story. Twelve men went out to scout the land and they all saw the same thing, but 2 of them came back with a different perspective. Joshua and Caleb saw the same giants, but they believed God was with them and tried to instruct the people to not be afraid. 

TRUTH: Giants stand between you and your promised land, but what you believe about God will determine how you respond to those giants. 

• What are your giants? Do they have you defeated and feeling like you will never experience what the Lord has for you? Or do you believe God is with you and you don't have to be afraid?

2. GIANTS HAVE TO BE DESTROYED.

When the time came to face those giants Joshua led the people as God instructed (accounts recorded in the book of Joshua). God was very clear. Each time they fought people in the land God's instructions were to completely destroy them all. My first thought was "man, that seems brutal." That's been my thought every time I've read through the Old Testament accounts of battles, but this time God gave me a little different understanding. With my own "giants" fresh on my mind God allowed me to see those towns and those people as "giants" standing between his people and his promises. They were the thing that stood between the Israelites living in freedom and serving the Lord wholeheartedly. That was and still is one of the most important things to God, that we can serve him wholeheartedly and live the life he has promised us. That threat is not just to be moved aside, or knocked down temporarily. It is serious. It is to be completely destroyed. His people (me and you) are so precious to him that he doesn't want anything standing between us and his love for us.

He led the Israelites through each battle. He went ahead of them. He fought for them. He showed them they really didn't have anything to fear as he did exactly what he said he would do. He proved his faithfulness over and over again as they did the work of battle, but God fought with them and for them when they faced their giants. 

TRUTH: Giants have to be destroyed, but he never expects you to do it alone. He will always fight with you and for you. 

• What steps would you take today if you knew God was going to give you what you needed to destroy your giants? 

3. GIANTS WILL ALWAYS BE A THREAT.

Even when we destroy the giants, whether it's sin in our lives, lies we are believing, or simply a lack of trusting God and his promises, Satan will work hard to resurrect them. They will always be a threat we have to watch out for. I believe that's why years later, when there were many battles won and the Israelites had been assigned their own portions of the promised land Joshua recounts their journey and concludes his time as their leader by giving the people a choice. 

"So fear the Lord and serve him wholeheartedly. Put away forever the idols your ancestors worshiped when they lived beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt. Serve the Lord alone. But if you refuse to serve the Lord, then choose today whom you will serve. Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live? But as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord." Joshua 24:14-15 (NLT)

I am, as I'm sure we all are, familiar with that final verse. I have seen it many times from coffee cups, to artwork in homes, but I must admit, I didn't know the context surrounding it. I couldn't have even told you Joshua was the one who said it. I know it now, and it will never be the same. It will forever be my reminder that today and every day, I choose to not let these giants I defeat come back and deter my heart from the Lord. 

It will make its way to a piece of artwork in my home and be a prominent reminder every time I see it that I choose the Lord. I choose to believe his promises. I choose to believe he will fight with me. I choose to believe I can defeat my giants today and forever! 

TRUTH: Giants will always be a threat...

"But as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord."

Joshua 24:15b

• What will you choose today? Will you choose to go back to your old ways? Will you choose the gods of your giants? Or will you serve the Lord? 

Chapter 8 - The Valley of Blessing

So, here we are still in our apartment, still wondering what it is that God is doing. However, recently I arrived at a look out point and looked out over all the things I had feared the most when this journey started, and all I saw was a Valley of Blessing.

You see, one of the passages that God kept taking me to when this all started was 2 Chronicles 20. It's the story where Jehoshaphat learned that 3 of his enemies had joined together planning to fight as one "vast army" against him. "Jehoshaphat was terrified by this news and begged the Lord for guidance." This has been our MO during this journey. We have been afraid, unsure of what was to happen when we faced our "brick wall" (take a look here if you want to know more about it), yet we have sought the Lord every step of the way. 

Jehoshaphat's story continues as he calls all the people together to fast and pray. It's there the Lord says, "Do not be afraid! Don't be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God's." He gives them their instructions and tells them "you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord's victory." (2 Chronicles 20:15-17 NLT)

As God uses this season to continue to teach me to let go of control and trust him completely (He's been working on this in my life for about 8 years now, but that's not what we are here to talk about today) this passage has been my go to over and over again. I continually want to do anything I can to fix the problem. I could simply go out and get a full time job, but God takes me right back to this verse and says "STAND STILL." 

Despite the Lord's instruction to not be afraid, I think Jehoshaphat must have sensed the people were struggling with fear as they set out to STAND against the "vast army" that opposed them. "On the way Jehoshaphat stopped and said, 'Listen to me, all you people of Judah and Jerusalem! Believe in the Lord your God, and you will be able to stand firm. Believe in his prophets, and you will succeed.'" They gathered their courage, strengthened with faith and continued on their way, but this time "the king appointed singers to walk ahead of the army, singing to the Lord and praising him for his holy splendor. This is what they sang: 'Give thanks to the Lord; his faithful love endures forever!'" (2 Chronicles 20:20-21 NLT)

Fear has been a big part of this journey for us, too. Fear, frustration, anger, heartache to name a few, but still we sing. Singing when we didn't feel like it. (Maybe I'll write more about this later.) We may have both questioned God, even wrestled down our faith, but still we sang. We sought after the Lord, we showed up at church, we sang worship songs, we served the Lord, and we have continually thanked him, even when we've had to look for the things to thank him for. Like the example Jehoshaphat set, we chose to believe God is faithful even before we saw the evidence in these particular circumstances. We, of course, have plenty of evidence from the Bible and from other times in our lives to encourage that faith.

The coolest part of this story is that it says "At the very moment they began to sing and give praise, the Lord caused the armies of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir to start fighting among themselves...So when the army of Judah arrived at the lookout point in the wilderness, all they saw were dead bodies lying on the ground as far as they could see. Not a single one of the enemy had escaped...They gathered the valuables, more than they could carry...On the fourth day they gathered in the Valley of Blessing, which got it's name that day because the people praised and thanked the Lord there. It is still called the Valley of Blessing today." (2 Chronicles 20:22-26 NLT)

I know he's working on our behalf, but I haven't seen the results I've wanted or expected. I have longed to step into his blessing. To live out the "more than they could carry." I don't know what he still may have in store as he fulfills the promises he's spoken to us in this journey, but this week I topped the hill and arrived at the lookout point. I sat down with my journal from September of 2016 and reread the things I cried out to God about. I read about the things that I feared the most. I looked back at what it really was I saw as "the brick wall" I've feared so much, and I saw it...thankfully it was not dead bodies, but it was all the blessings in place of those fears. 

"God, this step is hard. I know it shouldn't be, but it's hard. I'm so thankful for this gift you've given us, this house, this life, this baby. I just keep finding myself overwhelmed. I have no idea what's next. I have no idea how we will pay for a move or a baby or to stay. God, I learn more with every step just how uncomfortable I am being out of control." These are words from my journal dated 9/2/16. I still cant read them without crying thinking about the emotion behind those words, but today I can look out over that valley and see how even at that very moment he was working in the hearts of people around us to provide for each one of those fears. 

• He blessed us through friends who simply wrote checks and covered the medical bills to deliver a baby.
• He blessed us when precious (and I'm sure broke) NewSpring Leadership College Students collected money and sent gift cards for gas and date nights. 
• He blessed us with friends who helped us with house projects and took money out of their own cuts to fix up and sell our house so we could make as much money as possible when we sold it. 
• He blessed us with friends who sent over huge boxes of diapers with no prompting, and regular gifts that came in just when we needed them most. 
• He blessed is with what we needed to provide a nice Christmas not just for our 3 kids, but to help a couple others with theirs as well. 
• He blessed us with the provision to make two upcoming trips to celebrate family milestones.
• He blessed us with a large financial gift to put towards a down payment on a house, more than we could save over several years of our absolute best efforts. 

These things were all after he had already blessed us with a CAR when we had no idea how we were going to replace one that died. And even now...as I was preparing how to get these thoughts from my head to you, PT sent me a picture of $350 cash someone anonymously left for him with a note that said "Cooper Gauntlet." (cue all the tears)

All that to say, I had to share as I realized this week, we hit a lookout point and discovered what has become so clearly a Valley of Blessing. We may still be working hard to keep expenses lower than our income so we can continue to steward our finances well, and still asking God what our next step is that gets us out of this tiny apartment. However, we have definitely busted through our "brick wall" we feared so much and are praising him from the Valley of Blessing and we want to use every opportunity we can to give glory to God and teach our kids (and anyone who will listen) to sing the song of Jehoshaphat's army, "Give thanks to the Lord! His faithful love endures forever!"

Chapter 7 - I Want to Quit

I (P.T.) would be lying if I said this past season has been easy.

And this season has been anything but short. But I'm learning the value of the long game.

Bonnie and I wrote several blog posts last Fall detailing our path of obedience that led to tight financial times, and ultimately the faith-decision to sell our house. Now, a year later, our situation isn't really all that different financially (though we have a small sum sitting in savings earmarked for a down payment on a house)--we're paying slightly less than we were to be in a 4 bedroom house, only now we're living in a 3 bedroom apartment.

Yeah. Had LOTS of questions about that on moving day (and since). Some not so nice questions. THAT? That is where we're supposed to bring home our baby girl? A tiny room full of boxes and a pack-n-play instead of a Pinterested-out nursery? THEY? They who are younger than me or "less responsible" than me, or "less faithful" than me...THEY get a nice new house? THIS? This is how much we're supposed to pay to NOT be in a house and throwing rent money down the drain? This is your promise of blessing for us? Our crossing of the Jordan miraculous moment? It doesn't feel so...miraculous.

I may have mentioned this before, but man...I've never so closely identified with the whining children of Israel. Back in Egypt we had a swimming pool right across the street! And neighborhood friends for the kids! Enough kitchen cabinets to hold all our stuff! And a walk-in closet! Manna...again?!

Questions led to complaining. Complaining led to doubts. Doubts led to frustration. Frustration led to anger. Anger led to apathy. And after apathy? Well...

I wanted to quit.

Not quit my job. Not quit my marriage or my family. I wanted to quit this whole Jesus thing. This whole faith thing.

For the first time in my life I actually had to wrestle with doubt. I mean really wrestle. I had never used the term "crisis-of-faith" to describe any juncture of my life. But that's where I was. Distant. Cold. Apathetic. Showing up to church on Sunday and not even being able (or wanting) to sing the words on the screen for the most part. Hurt. Feeling betrayed. It wasn't that I didn't love God, I didn't even LIKE God.

But a pivotal moment came several months ago as I'm preparing to teach a class on the life of Jesus at the college (yeah, God was STILL using me to lead others even when I was at a low point myself--cause if He can't use jacked up people...who's left?). I was teaching on John chapter 6 where Jesus has just fed 5,000 men. The crowd rallies around Jesus to make Him their king, but Jesus says in no uncertain terms what it will take to actually follow Him and the crowd promptly disperses. So Jesus looks at Peter and asks, "You, too? Wanna jump ship and bail on me, Peter?"
To which Peter in essence replies, "If not You...who? If not this...what? You've got everything I actually need."

That line of questioning revealed my rock bottom moment.

Because I had found it easy to complain about how bad our circumstances were, or how unfair God was being, or how I deserved more or at the least better...until I had to consider the alternative. If I'm not following Jesus...who am I following? What am I putting my hope in? Who or what could really...truly bring me joy and satisfaction that at my core I know can only be found in Jesus? I may not like my situation...but it's better than any alternative I can think of.

I won't say that since then things have been perfect. Or that I have all the answers to my questions. But there's been a gradual increase in peace and contentment. A shift in perspective. A change in desires at a fundamental level.

If you asked me on move-in day back in early December 2016 what my primary goal was, it would have been to get out of the apartment as soon as possible. I didn't really even want to put anything up on the walls (and may not have except that we were running out of room in our tiny little storage unit). Several weeks ago, however, I made a list of the things I want, and a house ranked 7th. No question it's still a desire of my heart...it's just taken a back seat to things of greater worth.

This, to me, is the gold behind Ephesians 3:20. Not that when it says God can do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine it means that if I can imagine a 4 bedroom, craftsman style, split-master house with a bonus room in the right neighborhood close to the boys' schools that God can turn around and give us a 5(!) bedroom house. And that under the carpet there's original oak floors and behind the wallpaper there's #shiplap--immeasurably more! It's about Him loving me in unimaginably big ways even when I couldn't imagine what He was up to. It's about Him removing from me the things I had imagined were what I really wanted and replacing them with things that actually bring about hope and life. It's about Him bringing me to the end of me to increase my capacity for more of Him.

20-21 God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. (MSG)

So I don't have immeasurably more house right now (certainly not in my closet!). I don't have immeasurably more in my bank account (because I can imagine a lot!). I don't even have immeasurably more answers about what to do next. But I'm gaining immeasurably more peace and understanding. I'm gaining immeasurably more freedom. I'm gaining immeasurably more passion. I'm gaining immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine.

And it's taken a while to get there (or awhile...you grammar nerds can work that out amongst yourselves).

But in the course of this long season, this quote from John Wood Oman has reverberated to my core:
"To deliver the soul from the sin which is its ruin and bestow on it the holiness which is its health and peace, is the end of all God's dealings with his children; and precisely because he cannot merely impose, but must enable us to attain it ourselves, if we are to really have the liberty of His children, the way He must take is long and arduous."

The long game.

Kinda like the 40-year wandering Israelites I've been so readily able to identify with.

4 For everything that was written in the past [including that story about the wandering Israelites] was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope. (Romans 15:4 NIV)

Hope that I now have. Hope that I will actually be able to quit this year--to quit walking in fear and doubt. Quit walking in bondage to the number in our savings account. Quit wondering if He's actually good enough or strong enough or even paying attention to our situation.

And as far as our housing situation goes...I definitely still feel like we're still wandering in the wilderness (we just re-upped our apartment lease for another year a few weeks ago). Surviving on manna. Believing there is a land (house) that has been promised to us on the other side of the desert. But I'm looking to follow the cloud by day and fire by night and see where He takes us rather than striving for solutions on my own.

2-6 This is the way God put it:

“They found grace out in the desert,
  these people who survived the killing.
Israel, out looking for a place to rest,
  met God out looking for them!”
God told them, “I’ve never quit loving you and never will.
  Expect love, love, and more love!
And so now I’ll start over with you and build you up again,
  dear virgin Israel.
You’ll resume your singing,
  grabbing tambourines and joining the dance.
You’ll go back to your old work of planting vineyards
  on the Samaritan hillsides,
And sit back and enjoy the fruit—
  oh, how you’ll enjoy those harvests!
The time’s coming when watchmen will call out
  from the hilltops of Ephraim:
‘On your feet! Let’s go to Zion,
  go to meet our God!’” (Jeremiah 31:2-6 MSG)

Chapter 6 - Faking My Faith and Feeling All The Feels

Today I'm getting really vulnerable and letting you in on the harder parts of this journey. This year has been hard. It's  been filled with emotions. It's been battling through those emotions and wrestling down my actual faith to find joy in the hard times. I'm not talking about this beautiful baby whose name literally means "Brings Joy". I'm talking about in life, in the hard things, in the emotions. This little baby brings lots of laughs and love into our home, but she doesn't put money in the bank account and she doesn't help us find a house we can afford. She does quite the opposite, and if I'm really honest and vulnerable I've resented that a little...and then there's the loads of guilt that come just for thinking that. But she's cute and she's wonderful, so I push those emotions aside and choose joy.

"Rejoice in the Lord always! I say it again, rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4) The Bible tells us to rejoice 216 times. Paul even says to rejoice in our suffering. In our house we use the phrase "Choose Joy!" when things don't go our way, or we are upset about something. We step back, look at the big picture, remembering we still have LOTS to be thankful for, and decide we can choose joy. I just never realized it's a faith step, not a way to control your emotions.

That's actually what I've always done. I've just pushed those hard and not so fun to deal with emotions to the side so the joy could win out, but it's been a hard year. I don't want to admit it's been a hard year, but I don't want to fake it any more. When I step back to look at the big picture I have struggled to find what it is I'm thankful for. Like I said, this precious cuddly baby brought with it resentment and guilt, so if that sweet smile couldn't help me wholeheartedly choose joy what would?

Faith is my strength, my spiritual gift, and it seemed as though it had run out. Choosing joy was an act of faith, but I had not realized that's ultimately what I was doing, because it always came easy. Then God said quit your job, sell your house...all of which we've done before and He's always come through, but this time it's different. This time it did't go as I expected. This time I obeyed and put myself and my family in a position where if he didn't come through, we wouldn't be able to make it...that's big faith, right? Well, we set it up, step by step we've followed what he told us to do, we took a leap of faith, and it's felt a lot like this...

When I first caught  this on video I laughed until I almost peed my pants. (I was 9 months pregnant at the time.) However, at some point later that night, about the 100th time I watched it, my laughter turned into tears as I realized that's how I felt about our leap of faith. We took the leap for me to quit my job 2 years ago. We did as he said and took a big leap as we sold our house not knowing what was next. We anticipated our miracle. We watched and waited for the expected "what only God can do" end to our story, but it didn't come. The week before we closed on our house last December, we went out and rented the cheapest apartment we could find, only to be paying the same amount we would have been paying to stay in our beautiful home. Not only did it not make sense, but it hurt.

As I watched that video that night after everyone had gone to bed, I began to realize the reason the emotions had been so hard to control and simply choose joy was because I felt like God was the one who let me down. I couldn't simply push those feelings aside and choose joy. That was an act of faith, and my faith was jarred. To choose joy now was to fake my faith, and I felt it. I felt fake.

I felt fake in my quiet times, I felt fake in my answer to people when they asked "how are you?". I felt fake in my response to people as they made comments like "aren't you just loving being a girl mom?" I've never had to fake it before. I've always just believed God and taken him at his word, but how do I do that now when I feel like he pulled the ground out from under me?

Well, I can't say there's a formula for that, and I can't say I've done it well. What I can say is I've stopped pushing the feelings aside, and I've laid them all out before God. I've fought my way through them. I've felt a little like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum, and even at times a teenager fighting for my independence. Then there are the moments that I feel like a scared and sad little girl curling up in her daddy's lap to cry it out and try to gain understanding. I can say I relate to all the seemingly wishy-washy Psalms of David as he lashes out to God in the same breath as he states the truth about who he knows God to be. Although I have felt like I've had to fake my faith. I have never doubted who God is. Knowing he could simply answer all my questions with Isaiah 55:9 "my ways are higher than your ways..." I fought to understand what it is I actually believe through all the feelings.

It all comes down to this...My God didn't fail me. My faith didn't even fail me. My expectations did. Every time I've taken big steps of faith God has answered how I expected. This time he is doing immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine; it just looks different than I expected.

A few months ago I was singing worship songs to the Lord and I realized in all this emotion I've been waging war against my faith with, I was singing the words, but I wasn't feeling it wholeheartedly. I felt sad and repentant that I haven't been filled with faith during this season, that I, in fact, have been faith-less in the aftermath of my emotions and struggled to see all the things I have to actually be thankful for and choose joy. It was in the quiet moment between me and my Father where I simply heard him say, "Take the space you need. Feel it all out. I'm not upset about it. I am here. I am still at work.I love you more than you will ever be able to understand."

Fighting my way through these feelings has been one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I'm picking myself up again and holding tight to my faith. I'm still working on removing my expectations, but I'm learning to hope again, not in what God can do for me, but in HIM ALONE.

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13

Choose Joy! 

...as an act of faith, not as a way to control your emotions.